Mugshots Friday: A Visit From Captain Morgan And A Coke-Dealing Granny
Every Friday, Riptide brings you the most eye-catching mugshots taken the previous week (or thereabouts) in Miami-Dade County. Yes, there is some mockery of bad neck tattoos, but also adulation directed at perps who just plain look more badass than we ever will. This is the italicized intro to that series. For mugshots from Broward and Palm Beach, check out The Pulp.
Charged with: Drinking in public
This is the third time this guy's been in Mugshots Friday in four months, and he's had a different, tremendous earring each time. I want to pitch a TV show where this dude and I spring surprise makeovers on people in line at the DMV or in a Wal-Mart shopping lot or in the restaurants on Ocean Drive in South Beach. This man has some serious fashion sense.
Charged with: Battery (warrant case)
A note: If you're going to get a tattoo that says "I'm the Boss, Bitch," it would help to avoid situations in which you are not the boss of bitches, like, say, getting arrested for battery. Besides, Miami's not big enough for two bawses.
Charged with: Possession of cocaine with intent to sell
Keep in mind, this woman is 71 years old and got busted slinging yeyo, probably as the queenpin of some huge retirement-home coke empire that ruled South Florida's elderly scene. And then when she gets arrested, she throws a puppy-dog look at the camera, complete with clasped hands, as if all she'd been caught doing were jaywalking or something. See? This is a real boss of bitches.
Charged with: Marijuana possession
Someone's got a little Captain in them. And also some weed. And likely some Entenmann's donuts.
Charged with: Grand theft in the third degree
Admit it, Miami-Dade police, this isn't a mugshot. This was obviously taken from the high-school yearbook of a small Minnesota town.
Charged with: Battery
Covered in blood, missing a chunk of his hair, staring off to the side with a demented look like he's got some invisible alien floating over his head telling him to burn down the police station ... Yeah, let's not linger too long on this guy.
Charged with: Trespassing
Getting your hair cut so that it resembles a hard-candy wrapper? I like your style, dude.
Charged with: Battery with a deadly weapon.
I'm going to assume that deadly weapon was a book of Aleister Crowley writings, or an Edgar Allan Poe bust. Or maybe she just tried to smother her victim with a bunch of Hot Topic T-shirts.
Charged with: Possession of a controlled substance
As is legally obligated for Mugshots Friday, here's your requisite "Guy with a tattoo that looks like the wall of a New York subway tunnel." As his tattoo artist did to him, feel free to do what you please with this one.
Get the ICYMI: Today's Top Stories Newsletter Our daily newsletter delivers quick clicks to keep you in the know
Catch up on the day's news and stay informed with our daily digest of the most popular news, music, food and arts stories in Miami, delivered to your inbox Monday through Friday.