Mugshots Friday: A Magical Half-Giant, A Man Without a Country and a Snowglobe Impersonator
Every Friday, Riptide brings you the most eye-catching mugshots taken the previous week (or thereabouts) in Miami-Dade County. Yes, there is some mockery of bad neck tattoos, but also adulation directed at perps who just plain look more badass than we ever will. This is the italicized intro to that series.
Charged with: Armed robbery, battery
-- Guaranteed way to keep future co-workers from asking about that mugshot of you they found on the Internet: Have it taken in a hospital gown with office supplies sticking out of your skull.
Charged with: Disorderly intoxication
-- ZOMBIE KURT VONNEGUT GOT DRUNK IN MIAMI!
"Well aren't you a clever little hipster."
Charged with: Fleeing or eluding a police officer, driving with knowledge of a suspended license.
-- Given the circumstances of having a mugshot taken, there aren't many that cause any genuine feelings of animosity. This guy though... he just rubs us the wrong way. What do you think you're being so clever about? Bro. YOU'RE IN JAIL. Also, you've got some shmutz on your forehead.
Charged with: Possession of a firearm, weapon or ammunition by a convicted felon, plus various counts of cannabis and cocaine possession
--We weren't going to make fun of this person. Sure, she was arrested, but she has to walk around all day looking like she has a fly that landed between her eyebrows. EXCEPT SHE DOESN'T. Here's a mugshot of her from February:
NORMAL EYES! We've been Googling this pretty much all week and haven't been able to scrounge up a medical explanation. We expect your investigative reporting trophies in the mail.
Charged with: Violation of sexual offender registration requirements
-- Now that the Harry Potter movies are done with, Hagrid done shaved his beard and, it appears, got himself convicted of sexual battery of a victim younger than 12 back in 2009. It's unclear if Hogwarts is aware of the man's past.
Charged with: Attempted second-degree murder
-- Red, watery eyes? Swollen lips? It looks like this young woman is having an allergic reaction -- to MURDER, perhaps?
Charged with: Battery, resisting an officer without violence to his person
-- It's a well-known fact that a man's toughness is exponentially correlated to how LOW he holds his chin:
So, by our calculations, this alleged batterer is about as tough as a Salisbury steak. Either that or the mugshot guy caught him in the middle of a snowglobe impression.
Charged with: Battery of a police officer, firefighter or intake officer; ;disorderly intoxication
-- The police provide the only necessary commentary for this one: in the notes for her disorderly intoxication charge, there is only one word: "saliva."
Charged with: Cocaine possession
-- We're guessing she did more than just possess that coke.