Mugshots Friday: A Discourse On "Bro" and Eyeball Bandages
Every Friday, Riptide brings you the most eye-catching mugshots taken the previous week (or thereabouts) in Miami-Dade County. Yes, there is some mockery of bad neck tattoos, but also adulation directed at perps who just plain look more badass than we ever will. This is the italicized intro to that series.
The police forces of Miami-Dade must have joined in some combined effort to arrest the saddest looking bunch of people possible this week, hence trying to sabotage Mugshots Friday. We thrive on wannabe thugs with dumb tattoos, people in face paint and dumb hair. It's like they saw this sad guy with a bandaid over his eye and said, "Lets see what kind of joke those Mugshot Friday assholes can make about this without looking like heartless bastards."
Charges: Cannabis and Cocaine Possession
Oh come on! And couldn't you at least give this guy an eye bandaid like the first fella?
Charges: Educational Institution Interference and Resisting Arrest
Well, at least they went ahead and arrested someone with who looks like he's staring as Travis Bickle in a remake of Taxi Driver so low budget they couldn't even afford to pay a hairdresser to get the mohawk straight.
Charges: Grand Theft Auto and Cannabis Possession
Have you ever tried to explain the importance of the word "bro" in the Miami vernacular to outsiders? You're trying to explain that people scatter it as a staccato-like interjection between every Spanglish sentence, and they're just sitting there thinking everyone in Miami talks like this kind of faded surfer guy who probably should have gotten rid of his man bangs around his 30th birthday and says thing like "Brooooooooooo, I heard the surf is gonna be really gnarly tomorrow."
Charges: Cannabis Possession Less Than 20 Grams
Where as it's more like "Bro, you're seriously gonna arrest for a little bit of weed? Are you fucking kidding me, bro? Like, bro, that's messed up."
Somewhere the casting director for Sons of Anarchy is trying to get a hold of this dude's agent and book him for a six episode arch for next season.
As part of her requisite midlife crises my mother got a tattoo. Inspired by a tattoo she noticed on Kate Husdon's foot on the cover of InStyle, she too decided to have a star placed just above her toes. Of course, once in the tattoo parlor she got nervous and had the artist ink the smallest, sorriest, barely noticeable excuse for a star. It looks like a wart to most people at first glance. Well, if you notice under neath this man's right eye he too has the same exact star tattoo (it too is easily mistakable for a wart at first glance). That's a spot traditionally reserved for tear tattoos meaning you either killed someone or spent a lot of time in jail. Instead this tough guy has my mom's tattoo on his face.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you’ll never miss Miami New Times' biggest stories.
- Erika Now Projected To Miss South Florida
Fri., Sep. 4, 11:30am
Fri., Sep. 4, 6:35pm
Sat., Sep. 5, 11:30am
Sat., Sep. 5, 7:00pm
- Miami's Latin Builders Association Calls Donald Trump "Repugnant," Pulls Gala From His...
- Micky Arison Teases Internet With Miami Vice-Style Heat Jerseys