Every Friday, Riptide brings you the most eye-catching mugshots taken the previous week (or thereabouts) in Miami-Dade County. Yes, there is some mockery of bad neck tattoos, but also adulation directed at perps who just plain look more badass than we ever will. This is the italicized intro to that series.
Charged with: Petit retail theft of less than $300
Our theory: He was trying to steal a comb.
Charged with: Prostitution
Our theory: She wants to embark on an acting career and got caught on purpose so she wouldn't have to pay for headshots. Someone has to be casting a movie starring a sea monster, right?
Charged with: Drinking alcoholic beverages in public
Our theory: He couldn't help but get drunk after discovering, much too late, that his tattoo artist had Parkinson's.
Charged with: Attempted premeditated murder, aggravated battery
Our theory: All he wanted was to go to Claire's Boutique to get his ears pierced. Was that too much to ask? WAS IT?! MY SHIRT IS RUINED, BRITTANY. YOU'RE BAD AT YOUR JOB.
Charged with: Aggravated battery
Our theory: In another tattoo artist-related crime, the defendant was dissatisfied with the small sunflower tattoo he was hoping would cover up his tracheotomy scar.
Charged with: Disorderly intoxication, battery
Our theory: Sam Elliot dyed his hair and came to Miami to get into some rumbles.
Hey, Miami arrestees, let me tell you a joke.
No, no, bear with me. What did the elephant say to the naked man?
"That's cute, but can it pick up peanuts?"
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Have a nice weekend.