Moron Of The Week: Cocaine + AK-47 - Driver's License = "Young Hope" in Esperanto
Jovens Esperance. The name sounds so innocent, like something Salma Hayek might whisper into your ear on a lazy Sunday morning. Or like the name of a Catalan charity devoted to taking thugs from the streets of Barcelona and turning them into five-star restaurateurs.
Chef! This soufle is delicious. My compliments!
Don't thank me. Thank Jovens Esperance!
Sadly, no. Jovens Esperance is neither Mexican pillow talk nor Spanish haute cuisine, but the name of our Moron Of The Week.
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According to a police report, the bizarre scene occurred yesterday at 7:30 in the morning in Overtown. Miami Police Det. Arana was helping put out a car fire on NW 3rd Avenue and 11th Street when he saw a Silver Pontiac Bonneville drive the wrong direction down the one-way road towards him.
Perhaps it was the early morning hour, but the car's driver, Jovens Esperance Esperance (not a typo), promptly parked the car just a few doors down from the cop (Mistake #1)
He and his buddy, 18-year-old Christopher Jaime Sealy, then stepped out of the Bonneville and walked towards Arana (Mistake #2).
When Arana asked Esperance for his driver's license, the 19-year-old quickly said admitted that he didn't have one (Mistake #3).
Even then, Esperance might have gotten off with just a hefty ticket. But when Arana searched the gold-toothed youth, he allegedly found a clear baggie full of cocaine inside a Newport cigarette box (Mistake #4). Where was this coke hidden, you ask? Why, in Esperance's front shirt pocket (Mistake #5).
But the truly unbelievable part of this quaint Friday MOTW is what Arana then discovered in the silver Bonneville. Without even opening the doors, Det. Arana spotted a handgun with a pretty badass looking extended magazine sitting on the floor board of the driver's seat (Mistake #6).
Shit, what bad luck for Esperance, you say?
No, my friend. This giant handgun hadn't been quickly stashed there. It hadn't fallen out of some too-baggy jeans. This was apparently where boy genius always kept his Glock. In fact, there was another handgun on the passenger side, so that Sealy didn't feel left out (Mistake #7).
And the coup de grace? Sitting on the back seat, where most people keep dirty laundry or a baby seat, was an AK-47 assault rifle (Mistake #8).
At this point, the two young men were proper f*cked, but just to make sure, Sealy volunteered that yes, they had kept guns in their car (Mistake #9). Police quickly determined that the two handguns were stolen (Mistake #10).
For mistakes #1-10, Jovens Esperance earns our first Moron Of The Week competition in quite some time. He has been charged with three counts of carrying a concealed firearm, two counts of grand theft and one count of possession of cocaine. Sealy, meanwhile, has been slapped with three counts of carrying a concealed firearm and two counts of grand theft.
It seems a little harsh to charge these guys with "concealed" firearms when they practically had them strapped to the hood of their car.
Either way, Esperance's arrest doesn't bode well for Miami. According to our office philologist, Jovens Esperance mean "Young Hope" in Esperanto.
If this guy is the future, we are sooo screwed.