Imagine being Miami Beach mayoral candidate Raphael Herman's volunteer campaign manager. You're already battling an incumbent on behalf of a candidate who's known only as a perennial loser, but you have a bit of momentum and are hoping to make a dent in the results when- oops, Herman shows up at an Obama speech trying to get the president to look at his wounds from being attacked by rabid firemen.
Here at New Times, we get wild-eyed people coming to our offices with similar stories all the time. They're not usually running for office.
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SHOW ME HOW
Apologies to Matti Bower, but wouldn't it have been sweet if Herman had won? It's not so outlandish a prospect: Roughly 37 people voted in the Miami Beach election, so our hero with the Prince Valiant 'cut probably could have snuck into office if he had the wherewithall - and McDonald's vouchers -- to bribe the homeless population of Flamingo Park into voting for him. And then Mayor Herman could have tried to institute his new policy banning non-residents from driving on the causeway, sparking a revolt that would have certainly ended in somebody getting beheaded.
Alas, now the island is stuck with a severely sane mayor- which really doesn't represent the populace at all, if you think about it. (But there's salvation coming in a couple of years: a particular candidate is been rumored to have been seen scrawling "HERMAN 2011" on picket signs using chicken blood early this morning.)
Raphael, you may be the moron of the month- for lack of a better word for your unique brand of faildom- but Goddamnit, we'll miss you.