MORE

Mitt Romney's Victorious Hair Helmet and Five Other Things We'll Miss About the GOP Primary

Mitt Romney won yesterday's Florida GOP primary, but we all know who the real victor was. Not Obama. And certainly not the country. No, el gran ganador was Willard's perfectly sculpted mop of Mittitude: his hair.

Here are five other things we'll miss now that the political spotlight has shifted away from our surprisingly Mormon-friendly state.

5. Compliments from Newt Gingrich
Who is this delightful little troll? And who do we thank for thawing him from his 14-year slumber? After being kind of an a-hole in South Carolina, Newt Gingrich was unexpectedly peachy in the Sunshine State. He reigned in the snark during the two Florida debates -- to his detriment, it seems. And during his "concession" speech last night (he didn't actually concede, let alone congratulate Mittens), he even thanked the "elite media" a couple of times. Not even our vodka-swilling editor calls us elite. Thanks, Newt! Somebody get this guy a fourth wife.

4. Bad Spanish
Hole-la. Mah yamo Mitt Romney y yo kee-air-ho ser tu presidunto. Call it schadenfreude, but as Anglos who try so hard to pass for Cuban that we piss pure cortadito, it's kind of nice to hear those seeking the highest office in the land stumble over a few basic phrases in the language we'll all be speaking by 2050.

3. Santorum jokes
You thought this would be number one, didn't you? Well, we are the "elite media," after all. That said, we're going to miss the past two weeks, packed so tightly full of Santorum we thought they might explode. Santorum was flying back and forth across our beautiful state. Santorum was everywhere! It's just too bad that he left early for Nevada. There's nothing worse than a premature Santorum escape.

2. Rick Scott-lessness
Our naked-mole-rat governor was so eager to not endorse any candidate lest he give them the much-feared Medicare-fraud stink palm that he practically disappeared. Now that the primary is over, we'll have to re-accept that Rick Scott is, in fact, our governor.

1. Angry, nihilistic debate sex
Iran has the bomb. Obamacare will force grandmas to get hourly anal probes. And the Federal Reserve has run out of money so it's now printing undocumented Mexican workers instead. At least that's what we took away from the debates. But the overall tone -- more akin to a rap battle than a policy debate -- made us want to grab the nearest frenemy and have it.

Follow Miami New Times on Facebook and Twitter @MiamiNewTimes.


Sponsor Content