Miserable Mascots: Mocking the Worst High School Team Names in Florida
Mascot misadventures are all the rage, from New Orleans ditching the Hornets to nab the Pelicans to Charlotte trying to disown the Bobcats to steal back the Hornets. All of Washington, D.C., meanwhile, is still arguing over whether it's perhaps a bad idea to have a football team whose name is horribly racist playing in our nation's capital.
Luckily, even in the Sunshine State, high schools aren't quite crass enough to name their teams after outright ethnic slurs. That doesn't mean there aren't some head-scratching mascots, though. Let's all point and laugh at the worst of the worst:
10. The Conchs, Key West High School. Let's begin by pointing out the obvious: Being a conch is not exactly the greatest brag at a track meet. Conchs are sea snails. You could bury me in a roomful of snails, and my worst problem would be that it smells terrible. Leave me in that room for a week, and you would return to find I ate all of them and I'm just fine.
9. The Ambassadors, Broward Christian High School. "Hey, man, you don't want to sack me. Let's talk this out." They sound like a bunch of guys who dutifully keep score, not dominate the playing field. "We keep score! We talk it out!"
8. The Disciples, Hendley Christian High School. At least this team has Jesus on its side, but that whole "be a leader, not a follower" talk doesn't exactly fly in this locker room.
7. The Kowboys, Osceola High School. At some point, a Kardashian will name her son Kowboy.
6. The Brahmans, Okeechobee High: Nothing strikes fear like the image of a Hindu priest or a pot-smoking 17-year-old skateboarder saying, "You wanna hit this, Brahman?"
5. The Flying L's, Fort Lauderdale High: Naming your team after a flying member of the alphabet is Sesame Street enough, but combine the fact that said letter is universally known as the symbol for a loss, and you have a recipe for opponent-mocking.
4. Fighting Tarpons, Charlotte High School: You already know why this was a bad idea. If you don't, read the name again. High school kids will find anything funny that rhymes with your name. The chant "Let's go Tampons" will haunt these kids forever, and rightfully so.
3. Sand Crabs, Sea Breeze High: A crab that is no larger than your thumb and hides all day. I mean, should the team just forfeit? Also, sand crabs can move only backward, which is completely the wrong fact to bring up during your football squad's last-minute drive.
2. Hi-Tides, Miami Beach Senior High: We are the Hi-Tides, and we aren't going anywhere! Well, we eventually will, but not because you told us to — because of the gravitational pull of the moon. But we will be back!
1. The Hoboes, Laurel Hill High: Not to be confused with "hobo," the term "hoboe" describes someone who works hard but wanders and travels between jobs, so that's better, I guess. But "Fight, Hoboes, fight!" just sounds messed up, like you're encouraging a homeless fight club.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you’ll never miss Miami New Times' biggest stories.