OK, so you're a thieving former prostitute breaking into a few cars. You smash some windows with your elbows and look for goodies you can flip quickly on the street -- a cell phone, a GPS, whatever.
Question: What get-away vehicle do you choose if you want to create the biggest, most flaming parody of Miami and yourself?
The obvious answer: Rollerblades! From the early '90s!
Michael Everett didn't get the joke. The skinny, blue-eyed 31-year-old was arrested for breaking into four cars in midtown a few Saturdays ago, after allegedly attempting a smash-and-roll. Call it a Reno 911! sketch gone wrong.
One of the cars Everett apparently pillaged belonged to Gabriel Alcala, a quirky-cute singer in a local band called the Jacuzzi Boys. On September 19, Alcala and some buddies were out drinking beer at Midtown Sports Bar on NW 36th Street. Around 3 a.m., a girl told him a "junkie-looking guy" was busting out the window of his red 2003 Dodge Neon. Alcala says he and a friend ran outside to find Everett -- in tattered clothes -- skedaddling from the scene on his inline skates. "My friend kicked him in the face and dragged him to a small field across the street," Alcala says calmly. "He was screaming and crying, and bleeding from his elbows."
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The bar hoppers held Roller Thief in the grass while they called 911. As they waited for police, Everett sucked down a couple of cigarettes and swore he didn't do it. But when the friends were distracted, he took off his skates and tried to escape. Alcala chased him down. "Afterward, he fell, went into a corner, and just kind of gave up."
Cops arrived a half-hour later and found "a white male being held down by the victims," according to the police report. A background check of Everett shows he has been previously convicted of petty theft and prostitution. He was charged with burglary and pleaded not guilty September 22.
Once back at his Neon, Alcala noticed Roller Thief had overlooked an iPod and a cell phone but had stolen a CD full of obscure, lo-fi rock music and a nearly empty pack of Camel Turkish Silver cigarettes. In the end, Alcala had to pay $200 to fix his ride. "We just laughed it off," he says. "But we were also, like, pissed."