Miami's Five Biggest Sports Fools
Heads up — it's April Fools' Day! No, LeBron James did not say publicly he wants to return to the Heat. No, Publix isn't opening standalone sub shops. No, Hialeah isn't getting an In-N-Out yet. Sorry, you've been duped. Yes, finding out this way is devastating. In-N-Out is delicious.
Instead of focusing on stupid pranks this April Fools' Day, we should turn our attention to the biggest fools Miami has seen over the past year. Think of it as reverse Thanksgiving. It's a day we sit back and complain about the worst people.
So who were those Miami people in 2015? So glad you asked.
5. Greg Jennings
Greg Jennings was brought to Miami by Joe Philbin just to tell fun Philbin stories. It's the only possible explanation, because he was terrible on the field. Jennings not only managed just 19 catches for 208 yards in his only season with the Dolphins but also trashed Ryan Tannehill on his way out the door. After the season, Jennings popped up on seemingly five videos at once acting like a fool, talking about how babied Tannehill always is and how not elite he is as a quarterback.
"I guess what I'm saying is he's far [from elite]," Jennings said. "I'm being honest. None of us know... It's like he's been handcuffed. I've played with Brett [Favre]; I've played with Aaron [Rodgers]; I've played with great quarterbacks. So you can sense, you can quickly tell if one has it or not."
OK, Greg. We gotcha. Thanks for all those stories about the time Joe Philbin made a Seinfeld joke or smiled — those were hilarious.
4. Don Mattingly
Amazingly, Don Mattingly has made a fool of himself before he even managed a single game for the Marlins. That's a new record even for them. Mattingly is a late nominee for Fool of the Year because his first order of business as Marlins manager was to ban facial hair. Because facial hair, um, UNWRITTEN RULES! If you thought Mattingly was joking, he isn't. He's already laid down a threat to one of his starting pitchers, Jarred Cosart. Do not make Mattingly be the one to ask you to shave, bub. Keep it tight, and keep it right.
As if baseball didn't already give you enough reasons to scoff at it, here comes Don Mattingly, barreling into the Marlins clubhouse like a human Dollar Shave Club blade, threatening players. It's a foolish rule. Don Mattingly is off to a ridiculously foolish start for the most foolish team in sports.
3. Dan Jennings
Hey, another Marlins manager! Bonus Marlins manager foolishness! It's like the Splash Brothers, only totally different and much less fun!
Dan Jennings trusted a friend. Unfortunately for him, that friend was Jeffrey Loria — bad move, Jennings. The Marlins' decision to fire Mike Redmond and hire Jennings, the team's GM with no coaching experience, had people scratching their heads. When word came out that Jennings was under the impression that no matter what, the team would let him resume his GM duties if things didn't work out coaching, palms met faces. Jennings now works for the Nationals, because only a fool would trust Loria and the Marlins.
Jennings walked around the Marlins organization acting like he could do anything. He acted like Conor McGregor, thinking he could do anything. Unfortunately, just like Conor McGregor, Jennings got taught a lesson. By trusting King Fool, Jennings made a fool out of himself.
Photo by Michele Eve Sandberg
2. Joe Philbin
Really, this is a lifetime achievement award for Joe Philbin. He acted the fool coaching the Dolphins for much longer than just a single year. Philbin was 24-28 as coach of the Dolphins and never once had the team in any sort of true contention for anything worthwhile. Just when you thought the Dolphins were turning the corner under Philbin, they would crap the bed against a subpar team. Last season, the Dolphins were lifeless under Philbin, yet he continued to drive the Titanic directly into iceberg after iceberg. Philbin is gone, but his foolishness is not forgotten.
Photo by Stian Roenning
1. Al Golden
Al Golden was a Ponzi scheme. He had everyone fooled. Hurricanes fans dressed up like him, bought what he was selling, and totally believed he was the man to turn the program around. What they got in return was one of the worst eras in the history of Miami Hurricanes football. Golden refused to change his defensive philosophy, and it continued to be the team's downfall throughout his tenure. Golden treated fans like fools through his stubbornness and downright ignorant attitude when it came to thinking outside the box him and his subpar coaching staff.
Golden did his best to ruin the Miami Hurricanes football program, but luckily for Canes fans, it has already begun to recover from his foolishness.