Miami's 2013 Resolutions: Jeffrey Loria Needs to Shut Up, Jeff Ireland Needs to Man Up
The world didn't end after all on December 21, so now we all gotta make amends for our bad behavior in 2012. Our New Year's resolutions last year all failed, of course, whether it was taking abuelita to church every Sunday or deleting our Facebook accounts because Mark Zuckerberg is a privacy-pirating prick. That's why January 1 is so glorious: We can wipe the slate clean. Here are Riptide's 2013 resolutions for ten of our favorite local denizens.
Jeff Ireland: When a fan berates you during a game, call him an asshole to his face instead of muttering the insult under your breath. Ginger McWonderpants, it's time to embrace your role as the Miami Dolphins' franchise villain. Oh, and draft a stud wide receiver in the first round already.
The City of Sweetwater: Stop sending out news releases every time a trendy crime wave blows into Miami-Dade. No one cares that you banned bath salts or arrested Manolo from Scarface. We shouldn't be surprised that a city founded by circus midgets is desperate for attention, but it's just sad.
Giancarlo Stanton: Drink heavily and consider a Prozac prescription. This year is gonna suck, buddy.
The Beacon Council: Start running criminal background checks on the individuals who own or operate companies that ask for tax breaks. It's the only way you can avoid embarrassing stories about how you helped a company owned by a convicted cocaine trafficker and alleged deadbeat win approval for $400,000 in government tax breaks, as Banah Sugar owner Alexander I. Perez did this past year.
Rick Ross: No more throwing up gang signs. Look, we get the whole irony of a former correctional officer turned fat-cat rapper. But c'mon, brah, there's a limit to how much you can fake it, lest you want real OGs to continue spoiling your concerts, as Gangster's Disciples did when they threatened payback last month.
LeBron James: Shave your head. Your hairline is receding faster than the shoreline along Fort Lauderdale beach.
Miami police union president Armando Aguilar: Don't blame the next police-involved shooting on bath salts. After Rudy Eugene, the 31-year-old "Miami Zombie," chewed the face off homeless drifter Ronald Poppo, you told the media he was high on the drug in an attempt to justify the attack. It ignited an unnecessary scare over a police-involved shooting that was unquestionably justified. As toxicology reports later showed, Eugene's body showed no trace of bath salts.
Elaine Lancaster: Refrain from acting like a cross-dressing version of Faye Dunaway in Mommie Dearest on the third season of The Real Housewives of Miami. A six-foot-tall transvestite shoving a fully clothed, sprite gay man into a swimming pool at a party is bona fide cray-cray behavior.
Former Rep. David Rivera: Get a real job now that you are out of politics. And no, we don't mean a lobbying gig with Genting. We're thinking more along the lines of sandwich maker at La Carreta in Hialeah.
Jeffrey Loria: Put Miami Marlins fans out of their misery by silencing yourself for the year. Use the foolproof method of pulling your bottom lip over your bulbous head.
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