Miami vs. Boston Trash Talk: Our Heat Homer and Celtics Fanatic Get Ugly
Tonight, at last, it ends: Game 7 of the Eastern Conference Finals starts at 8:30 p.m., and it may well destroy the world as we know it. Okay, the game may only result in the destruction of a few TV sets and cars in the greater Boston and Miami areas, but it'll still be a clash of teams that aren't very fond of one another.
But who's going to come out on top in this battle? We enlisted Chris Joseph, Riptide's Heat super-fan and master of the compound expletive, and Jon Tayler, passionate Celtics fan embedded in enemy territory, to talk trash to each other before tip-off.
Jon Tayler -- Body lotion? Any Cs/Heat trash talk exchange has to start with this goldmine of hilarity: The New York Times' style profile of Dwyane Wade. Did D-Wade know that this was going to be published? Why would he admit that his number one travel accessory is baby wipes, or that he has a ranked list of runway shows he wouldn't miss? It's impressive that on a team with the least self-aware athlete in the history of basketball, Dwyane Wade volunteers that he critiques women's fashion at clubs.
Chris Joseph -- Meta Assholery: Actually any and all Celtics-Heat trash talk exchange starts with the complete assholery that is the entire Boston Celtics organization. Starting with this asshole, who can't help but act like a complete asshole every single chance he gets. The real amazing thing is how he hasn't been repeatedly punched in the asshole for being such an asshole. And an asshole of Rajon Rondo's magnitude playing on a team full of assholes like Paul Pierce and Kevin Garnett, for an asshole franchise run by first ballot member of the asshole Hall of Fame, GM Danny Ainge, is quite impressive. It's a world class team of asshole playing in a city that is filled with the biggest assholes in the entire Western Hemisphere living in the asshole of the Northeast Coast. We've gone meta asshole!
Jon Tayler -- Relyin on the Refs: The truth is, this series shouldn't be tied. Not after the job the referees did in Games 1 and 2. Move your arm in the direction of LeBron or Wade as they shoot? That's a foul. Look at them angrily? That's a foul. Fist bump before tipoff? That's a foul. Erik Spoelstra must love that his offensive planning can be "Let LBJ or Wade drive recklessly to the basket, receive free throws." Not that he's capable of more than that. Any time you can draw up a play where Udonis Haslem takes shots late and close, you have to go with that, right?
Chris Joseph -- ONLY AHWAH TEAM IS ALLAOWED TAH GET BULLSHIT CAWLS FROM THA REFS! Boston fans are still bitching about how they were rawwbed in Games 1 and 2. Because Boston teams NEVER lose. They only get RAWWBED. It's unfathomable to them that maybe, just maybe, the other team is better. Only Boston has "warriors" while the other team can only win with the benefit of bad officiating. This is true across all pro teams in Boston, but never more so than after Games 1 and 2 of this series. It's the typical sense of entitlement wrapped in douche that makes Celtics/Patriots/Red Sox fans truly unique and special. And by unique and special, I mean insufferable dipshits. Never mind that in Game 3 in Boston, LeBron James was grabbed by the hips by Mickael Pietrus, and there was no call. Or the time Ray Allen completely stepped out of bounds while passing to Keyon Dooling who hit what would be a game tilting three-pointer in Game 4. Or every single time LeBron gets hacked and slapped and manhandled on his way to the basket, while the refs swallow their whistles. And it's all fine and good. It's basketball. Bad calls happen. BUT NAWT TAH US! WE DESERVE THA BENEFIT OF THA DOWWT FROM THA REFS BECAWSE AHWAH TEAM IS MOAH IMPORTAAAANT THAN YOAH TEAM!!
Jon Tayler -- What bench? Is there any point in ripping Miami's supporting cast? Shit, even the phrase "supporting cast" gives them too much credit. Why are Eddy Curry and Juwan Howard on Miami's roster? Are they there to carry D-Wade's lotion basket? Did Pat Riley think he'd inherited a homeless shelter and take them in? Do you think Spolestra wakes up in cold sweats at night knowing that he has to play guys like Joel Anthony and Norris Cole? I wonder if he's finished the time machine he needs to go back to 2003 so that Mike Miller and Shane Battier will actually be useful again.
Chris Joseph -- Paul Pierce. That wheelchair incident. Boston fans must live with the shame of it forever, along with the fact that they gave the world Godsmack.
Jon Tayler -- Terrible fans: Then there're the Heat fans, who have to be told what color to wear to games and when they should cheer and no, please do not leave at halftime, there's still more basketball to be played. I'm pretty sure most people at Heat games think they're watching a particularly urban version of jai alai, or at least the filming of a really confusing rap video. Note: This whole point could've been that with this single photo:
Chris Joseph -- Douchelandia: We already touched on this but it bears further discussion, because it's really quite fascinating just how swaddled in douche Boston fans are. Sure, we Miami fans can be indifferent and late arriving and generally lethargic during games when we should be making loud noises. No, we don't know how to behave like a "real fan," and no we never will. That's just how we roll living in sunny-beach-and-babes paradise 365 days a year. Fuck you. And yes we might have dudes wearing moon boots sitting courtside. But Boston has this shithead cheering for them. Moon boots beats joke-stealing, hacky, overrated shitheads every time. Boston likes to think it matters in sports. Their championships matter more because their fans acted more like unbearable drunken dicks than your fans! There's no passion like Boston Celtics fan passion! And they show it in all its glory. Like on roadside signs, and by throwing beer on opposing players. And when shit gets really tough, with good ole fashioned Boston RAYCESSSISM! BAWSTAHN SPOAHTS... CLOSETED DAWKIE HATEAHS SINCE 1945!!
Jon Tayler -- Game over: The Celtics will win this series. The Heat are collapsing despite the fact that they get to play 8-on-5, and no amount of Chris Bosh and his amazing bitter beer face can change that. I look forward to watching D-Wade barrel into triple teams while LeBron stands to the side and thinks about which varsity letter jacket to wear in his next commercial about staying in high school* or drinking soda or whatever the fuck he's getting paid for now.
*Unless you're a once-in-a-generation genetic freak who can dribble really well, in which case, the hell with school.
Chris Joseph -- Cobradick. 'Nuff. Said.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you'll never miss Miami New Times' biggest stories.