MORE

Miami Marlins Real New Uniforms Leaked To Riptide

Miami Marlins Real New Uniforms Leaked To Riptide

Does Jeffrey Loria lie awake at night, in his Britto-decorated pajamas, trying to think of new ways to be disgusting?

Tomorrow night--11/11/11!-- the owner of the mediocre baseball collective soon-to-be-formerly known as the Florida Marlins will throw his crowning gala at the new stadium. To commemorate the team's rebranding as the Miami Marlins, there will be a VIP concert by former rapper Pitbull. Then players will walk the catwalk in their newly-unveiled Miami Marlins uniforms.

If a purported leak is correct, this is what those jerseys will look like. But we have a few better ideas-- as modeled here by new manager Ozzie Guillen. (And imagined by art director Pam Shavalier.)


After the catwalk show -- and here's the part where we retched-- "the doors will open to the public so they may begin purchasing the new team merchandise at 11:00 PM."

Yes, Loria is banking that a mob of cash-waving plebians will flock to Little Havana near midnight on Friday to be price-gouged for jerseys representing a skinflint baseball team that refuses to pay Dan Uggla.

So we're going to beat the team to the punch. Here's a few of the new models Guillen will be sporting down the runway on Friday:

Miami Marlins Real New Uniforms Leaked To Riptide

"Say hello to my little payroll!"

Miami Marlins Real New Uniforms Leaked To Riptide

Seriously. Dan Fucking Uggla. We're not asking for A-Rod here.

 

Miami Marlins Real New Uniforms Leaked To Riptide

Y'know, for what they did to the taxpayers.

Miami Marlins Real New Uniforms Leaked To Riptide

We don't have a point with this one. It's just for the ladies.

 

Miami Marlins Real New Uniforms Leaked To Riptide

And this one's for... the German ladies?

Follow Miami New Times on Facebook and Twitter @MiamiNewTimes.

Use Current Location

Related Location

miles
Marlins Park

Sponsor Content