Miami Is Apparently the Fourth Best Place for Men to Have a Midlife Crisis
via South Park Studios
Hey, men of a certain age, do you ever feel like there's something missing from your life? Do you feel like you never took full advantage of your youth? Feeling bogged down by your increasingly mundane middle-aged existence and saddened by that increasingly receding hairline and protruding gut?
Well, we have the solution for you! It's called the
The folks at real-estate site Estately tried to figure out which cities are home to the most men in the throes of a good old-fashioned middle-life breakdown. To do that, they combined data based on the number of Google searches for products and treatments related to
Turns out Miami came in fourth!
That's a pretty solid showing for Miami, buoyed by the prevalence of divorce lawyers and convertibles in the area.
Then again, Miami has a lot of lawyers and convertibles in general. Online city ranking listicles are rarely perfect, but Estately is certainly onto something here. This city was practically built for middle-aged men who want to live life like they're still in their 20s. Hell, Henry Flagler was in his 50s when he stepped back from his job at Standard Oil and — along with his second, younger wife — set to work on developing Florida's east coast. A midlife crisis is practically in this city's blood.
Access to the, uh, "hottest" clubs for men isn't based on looks or fashion sense, but rather how many $100 bills a guy has to spend on bottle service. There are always more than a few women (and some men) who prize a bank account above all else waiting inside.
We have plenty of opportunities to engage in midlife pastimes such as boating,
For those who want their midlife crisis to take a creepy sexual tilt, Miami has some of the finest strip clubs in all of America, a swinger's club, and even a nude beach.
Midlife crisis fashion? You'll find plenty of boutiques selling linen pants, $300 gold-plated sunglasses, and shirts designed to leave the top five buttons undone.
Of course, every good midlife crisis involves eating out at overpriced restaurants, and, boy, does Miami have tons of those.
A fancy car? Sure, it might be a stupid decision to buy one, but there are plenty of dealerships.
Yes, the Magic City is a midlife-crisis wonderland. The only question is why wasn't Miami number one on this list?
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you'll never miss Miami New Times' biggest stories.