After winning Game 6 105-95, the Dallas Mavericks are NBA champions. Meanwhile, the Miami Heat is left with a shitload of questions, LeBron James will continue to be haunted by his finals failure, and Heat fans everywhere are walking around feeling like their favorite uncle just placed his wiener next to their mouth.
All the while, the whole of America is happily celebrating a convicted wife-beater while enjoying the failure of a guy who chose to work in another city other than Cleveland. Yay, sports!
So, what the fuck?
Here's what the fuck:
In Hindsight, It Wasn't a Very Good Idea to Surround the Big Three With a Bunch of Dead Guys
- Zydrunas Ilgauskas, Juwan Howard, Mike Bibby, and Jamal Magloire, to name a few. No matter how young, talented, and dynamic your three stars are, you'll fall short of a title when the guys coming off the bench look like the zombies from Michael Jackson's "Thriller" video.
- No other team in the NBA would've signed the likes of Big Z and Howard. If not for Pat Riley's penchant for old dudes, those guys would've been at home like the rest of us, watching the NBA Finals with a cereal bowl full of Funyuns and ordering pajama jeans at 3 a.m.
- Dallas had guys coming off the bench who could drain threes and gave the Mavs energy while their starters rested. They moved the ball proficiently and knocked down just about every open look given them. They had guys whose game resembles a Formula One racecar. The Heat had guys coming off the bench whose game resembles a full-body dry heave.
- Next season's roster makeover is pretty simple: Keep Udonis Haslem, Mike Miller, and maybe Mario Chalmers. Everyone else gets their pink slip stapled to their scrotum.
- Second order of business for Erik Spoelstra for next season: LEARN TO FUCKING COACH AROUND A SIMPLE ZONE DEFENSE!
Let's Everybody Overanalyze What Happened to LeBron!1!1!!!
- Might as well shut off ESPN and sports talk radio for the next six to eight weeks, because all you're gonna get is an amalgam of conjecture and unexpected fecal release from the mouths of analysts and commentators about what happened to LeBron James. You're also going to get the occasional "trade one of the Big Three for Dwight Howard" rants from fans and radio hosts alike. These people should be mouth-raped by a horse.
- We went from seeing LeBron demolishing the previous Eastern Conference Champion Boston Celtics, and teabagging the number-one-defense Chicago Bulls, to totally shitting his pantaloons against the Mavericks in the finals. Could LeBron James have the Benjamin Button disease? Or could it be that he logged in enough minutes during the season to kill a mule? Spoelstra does not give a Filipino shit about resting his best player!
- Get ready for assloads of articles such as this gem from Adrian Wojnarowski, who, before the season started, was a pretty intelligent impartial columnist for Yahoo Sports. But after The Decision, Woj became consumed by his dislike for LeBron and basically turned into Skip Bayless without the leathery face. Only Dirk truly knows the purity and chastity of winning a title! And even if LeBron wins several, he'll never truly know what it feels like to want it more! What is that fuckery, Adrian Wojnarowski?
- Asked about the haters after the game, LeBron responded, "At the end of the day, all of the people that were rooting for me to fail, tomorrow they'll have to wake up and have the same life that [they had] before they woke up today. They got the same personal problems they had today, and I'm going to continue to live the way I want to live and continue to do the things I want to do."
LeBron's new website is www.idontfiveafuck/eatmydick.net.
Dallas Was Just Better
- Deeper bench, sharp shooters, and a giant German caveman-looking motherfucker on a mission. The Mavericks were simply an avalanche of basketball that deserve the title, despite that dipshit Mark Cuban.
- Again, the minute you call for Juwan Howard to come off the bench while the other team has Jason Terry and DeShawn Stevenson coming off theirs, you're fucked in the face.
Enjoy Now, Haters
- While you think of something clever and witty and earth-shattering to say in the comments, understand this: This Miami Heat team was not a one-shot deal. LeBron is 26, D-Wade is 29, and Bosh is 27. This was their first year trying to figure shit out together, and they almost pulled it off. It's only their first year.
- The Heat was two wins away from winning the NBA championship with a thumbless Mike Miller, a disheveled Udonis Haslem, and Juwan FUCKING Howard coming off the bench. Haters everywhere should be afraid. Because this is the worst this Heat team will ever be. Sure, we Heat fans are all suffering from night terrors thanks to our inner clocks being all fucked up because the NBA Finals end at roughly 4 in the morning every night. But we fully expect and welcome more late June basketball for the Miami Heat in the coming years.
If you like this story, consider signing up for our email newsletters.
SHOW ME HOW
You have successfully signed up for your selected newsletter(s) - please keep an eye on your mailbox, we're movin' in!
Until then, congrats to the Dallas Mavericks and to the Miami Heat Dick Biters Brigade the world over!
Also, fuck you all in the pants.