- We call LeBron James COBRADICK around here for a reason. And that reason is that the man is able to unleash a maelstrom of ass-wrecking carnage using nothing but his basketball prowess and his giant dong. We know this. It has been documented here many times. But last night, LeBron was able to do these things on one goddamn leg! Late in the fourth quarter, with the teams trading jabs and the game on the line, James bumped knees with Kevin Durant and, because he's played roughly one billion minutes since joining the Heat, his leg muscle finally said, "No, yea, fuck this," and seized up on him. CRAMP!
LeBron had to be carried away by Juwan Howard, which was both weird and sad.
Miami could not have picked a worse time to lose LeBron James. Seeing how the Heat morph into a potato sack of horse shit whenever LeBron goes to the bench, the game just got downright terrifying at that point.
LeBron had been playing his usual role of face-denter by playing distributor all night. He was downright surgical with the basketball, dishing out no-look pin-point passes to open players in the perimeter, and then attacking the rim whenever he felt like it. He would finish the night with 12 assists.
Now, he had to watch his team try and survive the Russell Westbrook onslaught from the bench with a Gatorade in his hand.
But LeBron had asses to kick, however, and didn't feel like wasting his time resting what was an excruciating leg pain. He hobbled back into the game, and, with things knotted up at 94 and the Thunder looking like sharks smelling blood in the water, did this:
Pure unadulterated awesome.
In one fell swoop, LeBron Cobradick'd the Thunder's hopes of a comeback while also telling all the Haterz to shove an entire bag of dicks into their mouths, and then suplexed Skip Bayless's leathery body off the Freedom Tower for good measure
--BIZZARO CHALMERS CAME TO FUCK. Holy shit burgers did we kill Mario Chalmers here in the last recap. And for good reason. He was an amorphous blob of shit with sneakers in Game 3. Mario must have read our recap and gotten mad because last night, we saw the glorious return of Bizarro Chalmers. Chalmers relentlessly clubbed the Thunder defense in the face with a violent display of clutchness, going 9-for-15, including a huge layup when LeBron was sidelined, on his way to a 25-point night.
OKC decided to stick Kevin Durant on Chalmers, rather than let him guard LeBron as he has been in the previous games. This signaled several things: 1.) OKC understands that Durant's foul troubles haven't been caused by some secret underground NBA cabal that orders the referees to call lopsided fouls on the Thunder, but because LeBron is pretty fucking unguardable, and will get your ass into serious foul trouble if you try and do so. And 2.) OKC figured Mario sucked so hard, it would free Durant up to focus on nailing his shots and not be burdened with a tough defensive assignment.
OKC chose poorly.
Chalmers was a monster from the word GO, mercilessly smashing the Thunder in the face with a piano over and over again until their players had piano keys for teeth. He slashed to the basket, stroked his J, and played some gritty defense. Best of all, he kept the fucktardery to a minimum.
And when things were precarious and the game felt like it could swing either way, Chalmers wanted to show the world that he too has a penis, and buried this three point shot in the fourth that set the tone for Miami's We're-Not-Giving-A-Single-Solitary-Fuck-If-Westbrook-Scores-78-We're-Not-Folding-Tonight mentality.
- Chris Bosh is playing the best defense of his career in these Finals. And holy shit bananas is that amazeballs timing from him. He once again crashed the boards with ball-crushing ferociousness, and while his offense is still lacking, he's more than making up for it with his defense and his ability to roar like a dinosaur and scare the living shit out of anyone within thirty feet of him. Bosh is still due a big offensive game, which is fantastic news because if it comes on Thursday, that would be the tits. But for now, his rebounding and defense is enough. Also, the Thunder seem to have no answer for his pick and rolls with D-Wade. Spo may want to consider that while he's reading this recap with his morning coffee.
- Russell Westbrook came out and played at ludicrous speed for OKC last night. He shot 32 times, and connected on twenty of those shots for a 43-point game. When he wasn't hitting his pull-up jumper, he was dicking up our defense by slashing through the paint in a blur. Westrbook led the Thunder to a 17-point lead against Miami, and it appeared as if OKC was about to tie the series and steal back him court advantage. Then Pat Riley received an award for being awesome during a timeout, and the Heat were able to roar back into the game.
- Dwyane Wade fucked up his back in the first half when Serge Ibaka blocked one of his shots. And this somehow fixed his game, because he wasn't as ShittyWade as he has been in recent memory. Wade finished with 25 points on 8-for-19 shooting, and his shot-blocking prowess remains intact. He did revert back to HEROBALL again a couple of times (one of those times, he hit a huge three-pointer, actually), but all-in-all, Wade played big last night. And, more importantly, didn't do anything stupid in the end. He also gave us the greatest soundbite of the night. HEY MARIO MUTHAFUCKIN' CHALMERS!! MUTHAFUCKA!
- The Heat are up 3-1 and as everyone will keep reminding you, no team has ever come back from a 1-3 deficit to win the NBA Finals. But if there's one team that could shoot their way out of a hole, it's OKC. HOBO FLOP has been mostly terrible (2-for-10 last night), but he is very much capable of breaking out of this slump and blowing shit up. And the Thunder are very much capable of winning Thursday and bringing this thing back to the Oklahoma City madhouse for the final two games. We want NONE of that shit. The Heat need to close this fucker out Thursday night, at home. We ain't done yet.
- And now for a special THESE ARE MY READERS SEGMENT.
During Game 3 I tweeted this.
Then @KevinCMayer asked @AMas92
to make a special Kendrick Perkins sign, which he did.
Then @KevinCMayer flashed this sign on TV last night for all to see.
Fuck and yes.
Game 5 is on Thursday at the American Airlines Arena. Tipoff is at 9:00 pm. CLOSE THIS SHIT OUT, HEAT.