Miami has suffered nine of the Bible's ten plagues
In the beginning was the swamp. Then God said, "Let there be Miami." And there was. Then he said, "Gimme some beaches with bikini-clad models while I'm at it." And there was that too. All was good.
Sometime during the past century, however, we Miamians went wrong. Maybe it was the coke or boob implants. Or perhaps we're cursed for unleashing Vanilla Ice onto the world.
Who knows? But there can be no argument about the punishment. The Magic City has been hit by bizarre waves of wildlife infestations — from insidious insects to ravenous reptiles. The latest affliction is a hairy horde of "Caribbean crazy ants." Like the locusts that stripped Pharaoh's Egypt bare, these tiny, turbocharged bugs will eat anything, including plants and animals. By our calculation, we're 90 percent of the way through the Bible's ten plagues. Expect more divine retribution soon.
1. The first plague was water. Way back when, Moses raised his staff over the Nile and turned the water to blood. More recently, BP tapped the ocean floor like a beer keg and five million barrels of oil poured into the sea.
2. Frogs: Once again, South Florida has done God one better. We have long been plagued with softball-size, carnivorous bufo toads. They escaped from Miami International Airport.
3. Mosquitoes: This summer, unprecedented clouds of the blood-sucking bastards drifted over our pastel city.
4. Flies: Make that dragon flies. A swarm bombarded Sun Life Stadium two weeks ago during a University of Miami football game. To be fair, they ran better routes than the hapless Canes.
5. Unhealable boils: Three words — sexually transmitted diseases.
6. Hail and thunder: One word — hurricane.
7. Dead livestock: If Santeros don't get 'em, our escaped Burmese pythons will.
8. Locusts: Caribbean crazy ants nearly destroyed a chemical plant in Texas. Now they're in Miami.
9. Darkness: Nightfall sure is early all of a sudden.
No death of the first-born yet. Whatever it is we've done wrong, God, let's skip this one.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you’ll never miss Miami New Times' biggest stories.
- Santa’s Enchanted Forest Protest Planned Over Animal Shows
- Brightline, New Rail Link Between Miami and Orlando, Explained
- Facebook Killer Derek Medina Found Guilty