Miami FC, South Florida's chronically anonymous professional soccer team, has tried everything in its quest to get fans interested. It signed the greatest player ever-- ten years and a thousand mistresses past Romário's prime. It picked up two Cuban defectors in a clear bit of pandering to the Cafe Versailles set, which responded by yawning. Everybody on the team and staff shaved their heads. Then there was that time the team just straight up threatened suicide if fans didn't buy 3,000 ticket packages. (Nobody bought the packages, and Miami FC didn't cut its wrists.)
On Thursday, the team will announce that it's changing its name. We know-- this is the biggest sports news since Benito Santiago married his third wife.
We're hoping the day before the announcement press conference isn't too late for some ideas about what the new name should be. Here are Riptide's suggestions to get some asses in those stands:
5. South Florida Free Soup Thunderbolts
See, the free soup will attract homeless people from around the stadium, creating the impression that pro soccer games are all the rage. (You don't actually have to give them soup.) And Thunderbolts-- well, that's just a cool name.
4. Fisting Upskirt Jessica Simpson Golden Showers Japan
If we've learned anything from the internet, it's that this works.
3. South Florida 5 Hour Energy
The New York Red Bulls did it. And really-- who wants to push the button on their coffee machine when they can drink some delicious wierd ass liquid chalk?
2. Miami FC
Only instead of Futbol Clüb or whatever it stands for now, it can stand for Fucking Crazy. Once curious people realize it's a pro soccer team, they will have already paid the entrance fee.
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1. Portland FC
Seriously, there are cities full of lithe white people who are just dying for a pro soccer team. It doesn't matter which Portland-- Oregon or Maine will do.
BONUS!: South Florida Iguanas
Somehow, a dull animal that poops everywhere and falls out of trees and dies when the temperature dips below sixty degrees seems appropriate.