Miami Dolphins Will Suck Again This Year
Uncle Luke, the man whose booty-shaking madness once made the U.S. Supreme Court stand up for free speech, gets as nasty as he wants to be for Miami New Times. This week, Luke assesses the sad state of Miami's NFL franchise.
While AFC division rivals the New England Patriots and the New York Jets are loading up for Super Bowl runs, the Dolphins are doing their best to suck. When Bill Parcells left the organization last year, team owner Stephen Ross should have thrown out general manager Jeff Ireland and head coach Tony Sparano along with the Big Tuna.
At the end of last season, Ross kept Sparano after he failed to bring in Jim Harbaugh, the ex-Stanford University coach who is now the San Francisco 49ers top man. That was a bad PR and personnel move.
Now as the preseason is set to begin, Ireland and Sparano have been lackadaisical about bringing some excitement to the team. The Dolphins passed on wide receiver Plaxico Burress, who will now be torching Miami as a member of the Jets. New England also reloaded by landing Miami hometown hero Chad Ochocinco to catch balls from Tom Brady.
The Dolphins' biggest move was trading for Reggie Bush, an injury-prone Hollywood diva who is most likely to get robbed at Miami nightclubs. The ex-Mr. Kardashian won't last down here.
Ireland and Sparano knew the top priority was getting a new quarterback, yet they passed on former Tennessee Titan Vince Young and didn't make a serious play for Denver Bronco Kyle Orton. Instead they picked up a couple more unproven passers to challenge Chad Henne, who can't throw the ball to save his life.
It's just more of the same boring personnel moves by the guys who passed on Michael Vick and Randy Moss last year. Pretty much every superstar NFL athlete lives in South Florida during the off-season or at least has a vacation home here. Former University of Miami standout Bryant McKinnie is always telling me that ex-UM players and guys who grew up playing football in the Magic City would love to play for the Dolphins at some point in their careers. Since the Dolphins have offensive line problems, McKinnie is available right now, but they won't go out and get him.
There is no reason the Dolphins should not be making big splashes in the free-agent market. I think Ireland and Sparano don't want superstars who will stand up in the locker room and get in everybody's faces. They want a bunch of choir boys.
Ross is a good guy and these jokers are taking advantage of his kindness.Right now the only excitement at Dolphins home games will be seeing Serena Williams in a catsuit.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you’ll never miss Miami New Times' biggest stories.