Miami Dolphins Five Keys To Victory Versus Seahawks
May the power of Lauren Tannehill be with us.
Your Miami Dolphins return to Sun Life Stadium after a 10 day layoff from the embarrassing loss to the Buffalo Bills to host a resurgent, young and scrappy Seahawks team. After three straight losses, the future is looking bleak in Dolphinsland. Let's take a look at some keys to Sunday's game:
But, first, something to be thankful for. We're not the New York Jets!
Let's hit the keys:
1. The Legion of Boom vs Tannehill
Young Ryan Tannehill's had a couple rough weeks lately and it's not going to get any easier this week against Seattle's self-proclaimed 'Legion of Boom' secondary, featuring safety Earl Thomas and Tom Brady Killer, Richard Sherman. We cannot simply sit back there and put the poor boy in a position to have to sling the rock 50 times in this game. That is losing football, thus:
2. PRETTY PLEASE RUN THE BALL, COACHES
The Dolphins have fallen behind early in the last couple games and this has apparently caused head coach Joe Philbin and offensive coordinator Mike Sherman's collective anus to clench very, very, VERY tightly. In response, the Dolphins have been throwing the ball around like blind, drunken, psychopaths to a crop of pretty below-average receivers. This has resulted in chipmunk fumbles and ugly pick-6's. Since we know Philbin is an avid reader of our game previews, we'll say this: It's time to just reeeellaaaaxxx if things go poorly early and stick to your gameplan, Joe. I don't mean to get all Mick-Jagger-at-Altamont but 'heeey, man, everybody needs to COOL IT, MAN!!'
Joe Philbin after the other team scores first:
3. Beware The Rise of Russell Wilson
Andrew Luck and RG III have proven they are the real deal so far and worthy the 1-2 picks in this year's draft. After playing Andrew Luck ourselves, we all saw the angry large penis that man has under his uniform. Now, we go up against Napoleonic Russell Wilson -- an underappreciated third round pick out of Wisconsin who was considered too small to play the position and has instead slapped the entire NFL in the face VERY STERNLY with his diminutive, yet respectable penis. The kid can fucking play and we are very fearful that he, Simeon Rice, Golden Tate and Zach Miller are going to go fucking apeshit all over our very crappy pass defense. Jeff Ireland, y'all!
4. Run Defense, Please
Last week, our vaunted run defense was gashed again and again by a supremely crappy Bills team. It was embarrassing. The Bills slapped us around, kicked us in the ass on our way out the door and told us to go pick up some beer on the way back. We sat in the car, looked in the mirror and cried. Are we ready to man-up and face these bullies this Sunday? Against a line featuring tackle Russell Okung and with a running back powerhouse like Marshawn Lynch, I fear not.
5. Home Field Advantage?
The Fins play their next four of five games at home and, in a season that once had so much promise but has wilted recently, if we have even the slimmest of chances of making the playoffs as a Wildcard (we don't) we need to win our home games. It's going to take a Herculean effort but the Dolphins MUST stop their recent habit of laying a hearty, post-Thanksgiving-like shit right on the field at home. This is the only way to make the playoffs this year and any year going forward. They've got to put their feet up on the table and own this shit instead of letting other assholes come in with their dirty-ass shoes and have sex on their fine Turkish rugs.
The Miami Dolphins take on the Seattle Seahawks this Sunday at 1 p.m. at Sun Life Stadium
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you'll never miss Miami New Times' biggest stories.