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Miami Dolphins Five Keys To Victory Versus Patriots

Let's not kid ourselves.

There's a very good chance Tom Brady and Co. are going to come in to Sun Life on Sunday and absolutely destroy the living crap out of our football team. However, the one thing we have going for us is that (hopefully) no one on our team will ever look like as much of a dork as this golf photo or as incredibly awkward and douche-y as in this commercial.

I don't know what writers or producers from the 1983 film The Outsiders they hired for this awkward piece of shit but I'm pretty sure they lost whatever target audience they were hoping for. Let's take a look at some keys:

1. All About Tom Brady
What do A.J. Feeley, Joey Harrington and Chad Henne have in common? Oddly enough, all those guys beat Tom Brady in Miami. Ordinarily, rookie Ryan Tannehill wouldn't want to be part of that crappy company but -- for the purposes of this game -- he surely does. Brady has always had a weirdly up-and-down relationship with playing in Miami and if we can catch him off his game (despite the fact his team is playing very, very well right now) then there's a small glimmer of a quark's chance we can actually beat these guys on Sunday. Rattling Brady early and often and putting his pretty boy, weird 50s cut, jeans-rolled-up-at-the-bottom ass on the ground is the best way to throw him off his game.

2. Our Abysmal Secondary Needs to Try and Hold it Together
All-Pro tight end Rob Gronkowski is out for the Pats, which is great, but unfortunately the Patriots (and their #1-ranked offense) have about 613 other options on offense they can go to. It's going to be a real test for this 26th-ranked pass defense (the signing of veteran Michael Coe won't do much) to try and stop Brady and Co. If defensive coordinator Kevin Coyle knows the name of any guys with names that end in vowels that work in waste management, now might be a good time to reach out to them and get an 'estimate' for their services.

 

3. If Brady is Going to Kill Us, Fine; But Don't Let Ridley Do It Too
On an offense with guys like Brady, Welker, Gronk, Hernandez and OOOH MYYY GWAAAWWD DAAAAHHNNY FAAAHHKIN WOOODHEEAAAHD, running back Stevan Ridley doesn't get a ton of press. But don't be fooled: this kid is the real deal and one of the more shrewd picks by Belichick and the front office in recent years. Ridley is on his way to a 1,000 yard season and has 8 TDs so far. The Dolphins D will need to control the line of scrimmage to have any chance in this game. Randy 'Bang Bus' Starks and Paul Soliai must be huge in this game to try and make the Pats even somewhat one-dimensional -- until their tight ends explode on our linebackers for 13 TDs in a game.

4. Their Passing Defense is Actually Shittier Than Our Passing Defense
That may very well be hard to believe considering how often this year you have yelled at Sean Smith after he kinda nonchalantly skipped over to a player catching a touchdown to push him to the ground then raced to Twitter post-game to let you know how that wasn't his fault, yo smdh, but it is true.

Sean Smith (@SeanSMITH24)
Lol so you thought that TD was my fault huh? Thass crazy....

Our receivers are as generally fearful as a box of free kittens at your local Publix but there will be pockets in that defense for Tannehill to throw to - you know, considering the Patriots are just another team and all. NO BIG DEAL. But if Tannehill can pull off what Henne and those other dumb dicks did against the Pats then -- we not only keep our season alive -- but Tanny Boy earns another Lexington Steele sticker for his helmet.

5. Traveling Patriots Fans Are The Worst
You know the type. Older, khakis, annoying Boston accents, either a Pat Patriot cap or some dumbass golf brand you have no idea about. And white. Ooooh so very, very, very white. Gleaming white. For anyone going to the game, we send you much love and patience as you try to hold yourself back from kicking their smug-ass teeth in.

Your Miami Dolphins take on the New England Patriots this Sunday at 1 p.m. at Sun Life.

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