Miami Dolphins at New York Jets: 10 Predictions
Despite winning the last two meetings against the New York Jets, the Dolphins enter Sunday's rematch as 3-point underdogs. This is mainly because the Jets are coming off a big win against the Raiders (which is basically the equivalence of beating a team made up entirely of organ grinders and their street-performing monkeys), while the Dolphins are coming off a heartbreaking loss to the Saints. Also because Ted Ginn sucks.
As with all Dolphins-Jets match-ups, we're expecting a tough, physical game. Here now are 10 predictions for Sunday's Really Big Apocalyptic Dogs & Cats Living Together End of Days Showdown, Part II:
Prediction No. 1: Dolphins rookie receiver Brian Hartline will make his presence known and, in turn, make us forget Ted Ginn Jr.
Prediction No. 2: There will be approximately 498 lead-changes.
Prediction No. 3: The refs will screw the Dolphins at least twice in this game.
Prediction No. 4: The Jets defense will again make Chad Henne look like
Dan Marino, but will still call him a "second-year clown quarterback,"
because, well, they're insufferable sore-losery dicks.
Prediction No. 5: Jets fans will inundate the comment section here with
quick-witted, insightful dialog such as: "THE DOLPHNS SUX YOU THINK YOU
ACT LIKE YOU JUST WON THE SUPERBOUL BUT YER STILL IN LAST PLASE AND THE
ONLY REESEN YOU WON IS BECAZ YOU HAD THE BALL LAST BUT JETS RULZ 4 EVA
SO WE WILL SEE WHOZ REELEY THE BEST TEAM ON SUNDAY GESS WHO WILL WIN
JETS 4 EVA THATS WHO CAUS WE DOMINATE MIAMI SUX WILDCAT IS A GIMMECK
AND RICKY WILLIAMS SMOKES POT LOL J-E-S-T JETS-JETS-JETS!!1!"
Prediction No. 6: Jim Nantz and Phil Simms are doing the play-by-play,
which means more unintentional homoerotic discourse during the game!
Prediction No. 7: Either Sean Smith or Vontae Davis will get an
interception (if not both), sending Mark Sanchez back to the bench to
find another hotdog to eat.
Prediction No. 8: The Jets will attempt and convert a sneaky play like
a fake field goal or triple-end around and Rex Ryan will be so pleased
with himself, he'll have that "I just ate an entire box of pancakes
wrapped in sausages" look he often wears on his face a little longer
than usual. But it still won't impact the outcome of the game.
Prediction No. 9: Should New York win this game, Jets fans will come
out in droves like some sort of Jersey trash zombie horde and will
flood all local radio talk shows and blogs with how this game was their
springboard to their inevitable Super Bowl win. Book it. Sure, even if
the Jets manage to pull off the win, their fans will still be the
troglodytic knuckle dragging dipshit trolls that they are. Only they'll
be slightly more delusional-than-usual troglodytic knuckle dragging
Prediction No. 10: The Dolphins will win this game, 30 - 24.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you’ll never miss Miami New Times' biggest stories.
- Facebook Killer Derek Medina Found Guilty
- St. Louis Rams Player Stedman Bailey Expected to Survive After Drive-By Shooting in...
- With Beckham's Little Havana Stadium Just About Dead, Overtown Could Be Next