Miami Again Named an Awful Place to Survive a Zombie Apocalypse

On paper, Miami's public infrastructure is a nightmare. Our roads are clogged, we can't walk anywhere, our doctors are only good at augmenting breasts and committing Medicare fraud, and the state keeps slashing education funding like Uma Thurman picking off baddies in Kill Bill. 

So it's not exactly a horror movie-level twist ending that for the third year running, Miami has been declared a terrible place to be if the zombie apocalypse hits. This year, CareerBuilder.com says once again the Magic City is one mutant virus away from tragedy.

Two years ago, Trulia said Miami would die the minute zombies hit. Last year, CareerBuilder.com said we were the sixth-least-zombie-prepared city in America. And today, CareerBuilder docked us another spot: The site says we're now the fifth-worst city in America when it comes to undead preparedness. (The website operated under the assumption that zombification was spread by a virus through either biting or contact with infected blood.)

CareerBuilder's study ranked the 53 largest American cities in terms of their ability to defend people from zombies, their ability to find a cure for the virus, their ability to contain the virus, and their ability to find food during the tragedy. Miami scored below average when it came to our defenses, but our containment, cure, and supply scores sank like rocks.

New York City came in dead last, given the fact that pretty much everyone up there lives on top of one another. Boston came in first, because its "cure" scores were off the charts. (Harvard Medical School would apparently cure the virus in about 20 minutes, if CareerBuilder's ranking can be trusted.) Within Florida, Orlando came in at number 21 out of 53, and Tampa came in second-to-last because it's an irredeemable hellhole.

And sure, Miami's poor ranking makes sense in some ways. Most likely, a tourist would bring the virus over via plane. (See: Zika.) It's pretty easy to imagine the Dolphin and Palmetto Expressways then clogging as people tried to escape the undead. The wealthy would huddle in their penthouse apartments, bar the doors, and watch the White Walkers tear the working class limb from limb.

But the studies all neglect to mention one thing: Floridians own more boats than anyone else in America, and zombies can't swim. The minute the first person came back from beyond the grave, we'd all hightail it into the sea and get hammered while the rest of America eats itself alive. Even if zombies hit, say, Tallahassee (kidding, they already have), we could just set up a barrier to the north, ground all the planes, and hang out.

In 28 days, we'd return to find the entire nation at our disposal. We'd then crown Gloria Estefan president for life.

Plus, Miami's low "food supply" scores make no sense. Literally every Miami household already has canned goods, flashlights, bottled water, and emergency booze stocked in order to survive a Category 5 hurricane. A lot of us even have storm shutters made from actual steel. We're as goddamn apocalypse-proof as they come. (Florida cops also caught yet another face-eating attacker this year, thus proving we're the most zombie-ready state in America.)

Also, many of our boats are multifloor megayachts, so while the rest of the country gnaws on its own flesh and cries into its last few cans of garbanzo beans, we'll all be busy twerking to Daddy Yankee and doing cartwheels into the ocean.

We already have a designated sandbar where everyone drinks, so don't you dare tell us we aren't prepared.


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