Meet Justise Winslow, the Miami Heat's Newest Star

After an entire calendar year of the NBA gods pissing in the Miami Heat's Cheerios, the powers that be finally decided to send a little sunshine to Biscayne Bay last week in the form of 6' 6", 220-pound Duke University forward appropriately named Justise. Nobody expected Justise Winslow to last until the Heat's tenth pick  — including the team — but then it happened. It happened to a franchise and fan base that has coined the term #ofcourse for all the Murphy's Law crap they've had to deal with lately. 

But that's in the past now, and Justise Winslow is a member of the Miami Heat. 

So who is the Heat's next star-in-waiting? South Floridians aren't exactly the biggest college basketball fans. Experts keep telling us we got a steal with Winslow, but how do we judge for ourselves?

We do our homework, that's how, with in-depth statistical analysis. 

Nope, just kidding. We are not going to do that at all. Instead, let's read up on some Justise Winslow Facts, almost all of them completely unrelated to the sport of basketball. 

Winslow's favorite meal is peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, but not just any PB&J. His recipe for the perfect PB&J includes toasted  multigrain bread, peanut butter, grape jelly, and jalapeño peppers. Winslow says he probably throws back 365 of these a year. Wait, WHAT THE HELL DID I WRITE ONE SENTENCE AGO? 

— If Winslow were an actual animal on the court, he says he would be a black panther. He would also be ineligible to play in the NBA, but that's just semantics. 

Winslow learned to play defense because he had four older siblings who would never let him score, so all he could do was work on stopping them from scoring. Basically, his entire strategy was to nil-nil the shit out of his brothers and sisters until they submitted; then he would lay it up for the win over their lifeless bodies. 

— Winslow is supercompetitive to the point that he's been known to break a few videogame controllers out of frustration while playing NCAA Football and NBA Live. Udonis Haslem once threw his mouthpiece at a ref. They will get along just fine. 

— Winslow thinks Hurricanes-Seminoles might be the best rivalry in college football. I once wrote this exact same thing.  We are basically bro'ing the eff out right now. 

Winslow is a big fan of collecting art but until now didn't exactly have money to collect art. Don't even think about it, Loria. 

— His go-to karaoke song is "Pretty Wings" by Maxwell. Lucky for him, he just joined a team that will totally give him a chance to prove it

Winslow's favorite emoji is the monkeys in various poses and a smirking face because "you don't know if it's a good smirk or a bad smirk; it usually works on girls. And the monkeys, they really like the monkeys." He's not NOT right. 

— Justise Winslow is the worst SportsCenter anchor ever? Justise Winslow is the worst SportsCenter anchor ever

— If he could choose any three dinner guests, they would be Jackie Robinson, James Brown, and Marilyn Monroe. Afterward, he would want to ask Marilyn Monroe on a date. What comes after GILF? 

— He might have a secret superstition involving a pregame shower routine we probably don't want to know more about. 

—- His favorite actor is Will Smith, and his favorite actress is Mila Kunis, so he doesn't get out to movies.  

We back, #HeatNation!

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Ryan Yousefi is a freelance writer for Miami New Times, a lover of sports, and an expert consumer of craft beer and pho. Hanley Ramirez once stole a baseball from him and to this day still owes him $10.