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Matchmaking With Mugshots, a Nervous Chuckle, and a Beard-Off

Every Friday, Riptide brings you the most eye-catching mugshots taken the previous week (or thereabouts) in Miami-Dade County. Yes, there is some mockery of bad neck tattoos, but also adulation directed at perps who just plain look more badass than we ever will. This is the italicized intro to that series.

Matchmaking With Mugshots, a Nervous Chuckle, and a Beard-Off

Arrested: 12/10

Charged with: Possession of cannabis with intent to sell, trespassing after warning, battery, possession of cocaine with intent to sell (within 1,000 feet of a church or convenience store), resisting officer with violence

Now that is a fucking jacket.

Matchmaking With Mugshots, a Nervous Chuckle, and a Beard-Off

Arrested: 12/11

Charged with: Grand theft auto, knowingly driving with license suspended (second offense)

What a Miami gangstette. A "305" tattoo framed by brass knuckles. One problem: Who would date a woman with weapons inked on her chest?

Matchmaking With Mugshots, a Nervous Chuckle, and a Beard-Off

Arrested: 12/11

Charged with: Disorderly conduct

Bam. We are the Match.com of accused criminals.

 

Matchmaking With Mugshots, a Nervous Chuckle, and a Beard-Off

Arrested: 12/9

Charged with: Felony battery

Damnit, 1970s dad, what'dja do now?

Matchmaking With Mugshots, a Nervous Chuckle, and a Beard-Off

Arrested: 12/9

Charged with: Possession of a firearm by a convicted felon, petty retail theft

Ever notice how criminal lifers start turning into babies? They have only half their teeth. They use feces as a weapon. And they spend the majority behind bars. (Psst, in the baby's case, we're talking about the crib.)

Matchmaking With Mugshots, a Nervous Chuckle, and a Beard-Off

Arrested: 12/9

Charged with: Cocaine possession

We're not saying this guy is guilty. But he is in the midst of a nervous chuckle.

 

Matchmaking With Mugshots, a Nervous Chuckle, and a Beard-Off

Arrested: 12/10

Charged with: Disorderly intoxication, resisting arrest with violence

Is the world ready for a gangsta rappin' grandma? We nominate this lady. She looks crunk.

Matchmaking With Mugshots, a Nervous Chuckle, and a Beard-Off

Arrested: 12/14

Charged with: Battery

"I've noticed that one guy with spectacular beard-to-hair ratio is featured on each Mugshots Friday. Clearly, I am this week's champion."

Matchmaking With Mugshots, a Nervous Chuckle, and a Beard-Off

Arrested: 12/7

Charged with: Dealing in stolen property

[Huge explosion sound effect]


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