Marlins Season Goes from Crap to Crappy to Unbe-f***ing-lievable
The Florida Marlins' sad, sad season has gone from merely pathetic to positively ridiculous. Yesterday, the interwebs were atwitter with speculation over why the team suddenly sent closer Leo Nuñez to his native Dominican Republic only hours after helping the Fish defeat the Atlanta Braves.
Well, last night we found out why: turns out Nuñez has been playing under a false identity. His real name is Juan Carlos Oviedo and he's 29, a year older than previously claimed.
Jesus. Could this season get any worse?
Nuñez/Oviedo isn't the first pelotero dominicano to have ID issues. Danny Almonte famously faked his age while leading his national team to third place at the 2001 Little League World Series.
According to the AP, the Marlins have known for "several months" of Nuñedo's identity crisis, which perhaps explains why he's pitched 97 mile-per-hour turds all summer long. Yet the team only decided to suspend him yesterday.
The current scandal comes as a swift kick to the cup for an already reeling Marlins organization. We're dead last in the division, our best pitcher is inexplicably retiring, and the team's new logo looks like a vomit-streaked McDonald's sign.
There is, however, a bright spot on the horizon -- literally, a really, really fricking bright spot that has been scalding our retinas into a permanent Rick Scott-like stare for weeks.
We're talking, of course, about the Marlins $515 million new stadium, which will host MLB's opening day next season.
If, like us, you've put off buying season's tickets because the metallic mound looks like a festering pustule on a syphilitic prick, there is good news. The Miami Herald reports that the stadium roof will soon be sheathed in a layer of glare-resistant rubber.
So fear not: The Condome © (you heard it here first) is now safe for yet another underwhelming, scandal-filled season.
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