Marlins Finally Win Again! Now a Reputable News Source Says They Will Win It All
Time to shave that Rasputin-length win-beard. The Marlins are at last back in the win column after a season start that can only be described as more confusing than Charlie Crist's sexuality.
Somehow the Fish won 11 freaking games before they lost two and then decided to go on a seven-game sucking binge (including a three-game sweep by the Pittsburgh "Maybe Even Worse at Baseball than the Kansas City Royals" Pirates) before finally beating the Mets last night behind two Jorge Cantu bombs.
So who in hell are these guys? The bumbling, Tom Emanksi-Instructional-Video-needing, half-drunken hobos stumbling through Pittsburgh? Or the world-beating, underdog made-for-TV-Lifetime-movie heroes of underpaid schmucks everywhere who started 11-1?
Considering they beat the corpse of Livan Hernandez last night and their supposed ace Ricky Nolasco barely struggled through the fifth, they're unfortunately still looking closer to the former.
But at least one highly trusted news source says this is the year the Marlins will go all the way.
From the Onion, "This Apparently That Year Marlins Win the World Series Again":
MIAMI--After enduring five years of mediocrity since a 2003 World Series
title that was itself preceded by five years of mediocrity, the Florida
Marlins will evidently go ahead and win the World Series again if their
11-2 start to the season is any indication. "I guess they're doing that
thing where no one will really completely believe in them all year, but
they'll be unstoppable in the playoffs, beat some interesting team like
the Cubs along the way, and win it all," broadcaster Tim Kurkjian said.
"Then I guess they'll sell off all their good players, play a bunch of
17-year-olds, lose 100 games, nuke their own fan base, and somehow
blame it on not having their new stadium yet. I see." Kurkjian then
made a note to himself to pick the Marlins to win the World Series in
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you’ll never miss Miami New Times' biggest stories.