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Marc Sarnoff's Pop-Up Park to Stop Sex Offenders Is Just a Start: Pop-Up Jails, Brothels Are Next

Mark Poutenis

Miami is popping. Popping up, to be exact. In the past year, the Magic City has seen more pop-ups than Katy Perry performing at a correctional facility. We've been inundated with pop-up restaurants, bars, and galleries. Impromptu porn studios have popped up (and then promptly deflated) on Monument Island, inside a pizzeria, and perhaps even on a public bus.

Now Miami's pop-up craze has gone too far. Case in point: City Commissioner Marc Sarnoff's recent decision to create a pop-up public park in Shorecrest to prevent sex offenders from moving in. The tiny strip of scorched earth is smaller than a basketball court, but that didn't deter Sarnoff from christening the Little River Pocket Park. "This is to prevent any further sexual offenders from being put there by the state," he told the Miami Herald, citing a law prohibiting the convicted pervs from living near parks.

If officials can create pop-up parks just to screw over sex offenders, why stop there? Here are a few other pop-up possibilities this city could use.

Pop-up Planned Parenthood clinics: Democrats claim Republicans in Congress are waging a "war on women." They cite invasive abortion laws under consideration across the nation, Florida congressman Cliff Stearns's so-called investigation into Planned Parenthood, and House Republicans' attempts to defund the women's health-care provider. So what better way for progressives to strike back than for Planned Parenthood centers to pop up all around Miami? By the time conservatives arrive with their signs and bullhorns, the pop-ups will be long gone.

Pop-up brothels: Miami is the unofficial capital of Latin America, where — as the Secret Service scandal has illustrated — prostitution is often legal. So why not in the Magic City? We could test the waters with a few pop-up brothels, perhaps one in Sarnoff's Shorecrest park. What happens in Pocket Park, stays in Pocket Park.

Pop-up prisons: It's no secret that Florida governor and Lex Luthor look-alike Rick Scott wants to privatize the state's correctional facilities. But after the Florida Supreme Court struck down his first attempt and legislators voted against his second try, our naked-mole-rat-in-chief could use some help. We propose a pop-up prison pilot project: you know, simple mom-and-pop operations like those back in Julia Tuttle's settler days. With a few shackles or old-timey wooden stocks in your front yard, you too can be a prison warden! But remember to feed your inmate occasionally; otherwise, that Rick Scott-endorsed check won't be arriving in the mail next month.


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