Sweet God Almighty! I’m sorry, but this is the funniest fucking story ever -- from beginning to end. Read it three times, people.
It’s about a man who’s been running around the Florida panhandle abducting goats, “raping” them, and then strangling them to death. He’s no clumsy bumpkin, either. Apparently, he abducted his last goat (Meg, who was pregnant with two kids) by luring the owners dogs away with biscuits.
In typical fashion, the Herald tries to make this out to be no laughing matter. But there’s no way around laughing at this.
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“Parker said he couldn't prosecute the suspect in the death of Meg because DNA samples taken with a sheriff's office rape kit were inconclusive.”
Seriously, though. This guy is a diabolical goat-fucker.
Thank God the state is springing into action on making bestiality a sin, er, a crime. (It’s not yet). You gotta love Florida: two dudes in love can’t get married, but they can fuck as many goats as they want…for now.