Magic City Kitty - Where are My Panties?
Every week, a couple of friends and I get together for game night, which is basically 5 of us drinking wine, playing Clue (next week Jenga!), talking, and laughing like idiots. The last time we got together, the guy hosting the party and his girlfriend got into a major argument, which ended with her storming out of the house and him cursing her name for all of us to hear. After the blowout, the mood was pretty much tanked so everyone left until it was just the angry host and lil ol' drunk me in the house. Normally I would have left too, but I had one too many glasses of merlot so I stuck around to sober up. Unfortch, I didn't only get sober, I got fucked! Well, I did some fucking too, but I soo didn't mean for this to happen! And as if I don't feel guilty enough, turns out that I was so drunk that I ran out of the house without my panties! His girlfriend found them and now she's pissed. She doesn't know whose they are yet, but he wants me to come up with an excuse and fess up that they're mine so she won't think that he's fucking around! Please tell me how to work this out where I don't have to lose either one as a friend.
Hey Miss Revealed
Hmmm you’ve gotten yourself into a verry sticky situation, to say the least - and I don’t mean that spot left on your jeans after you skedaddled out of dude’s house. This is tough Victoria, and to make shit even more complicated, your guilty ass is stuck in the middle, and there’s absolutely no doubt that those are your panties at this man’s house. You are so lucky that he hasn’t spilled the beans, because if girlfriend gets a whiff of what really went down that night – no more game night for you. And I know how much you love to play Hide-and-Go-Seek. Since the friendship of both people is what you want, you have to play this juust right. I won’t walk you through the entire plot – I still have my panties, thank you very much – but I’ll handle the hard part, which is the excuse.
But before I lay out the plan, let it be known that I don’t condone this type of behavior. But I do think that every missing piece of lingerie deserves an advocate, so here I am. First, pop up at Mr. Double-Cross’s place, and make sure that his girl, Miss Scarlet will be there. From the minute you step in the door, make sure that you execute an Academy award winning performance because girlfriend is watching you, trying to figure out if you could fit into the mysterious unmentionables. Try your hardest to look both sincere and distraught as you explain that you’re really embarrassed about this and contemplated not saying anything at all. Then wring your hands and tell them that you had pulled your panties off as a freaky surprise for one of the other game-nighters and that you accidentally dropped them when you heard arguing coming from the other room. Explain that you only realized what happened once you got to your car, but was too humiliated to say anything at the time. By the end of the story, you’ll look like an absentminded chick with a crush on some dude, but who cares, Miss Scarlet will be so happy to hear about some drama that doesn’t involve her that she’ll believe you. Mission accomplished. Now, get the hell out of there before you realize that Colonel Mustard is in the library with your panties.
Got a question? Email the Magic City Kitty.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you’ll never miss Miami New Times' biggest stories.
- Poll: Florida's Senate Race Is Still a Wide-Open Mess
Sat., Aug. 1, 5:35pm
Sun., Aug. 2, 1:05pm
Tue., Aug. 4, 6:35pm
Wed., Aug. 5, 6:35pm
- 80-Yeard-Old Miami Man Stabs Wife to Death, Drives to Publix to Report It
- Heat Trades Napier and Shops Birdman and Chalmers, While Mike Miller Wants to Return