Magic City Kitty - Fun With Dick and Jane
My girlfriend and I have a wonderful sex life – or at least I thought we did before last week when she told me that she wants to experiment with a dildo. We already play with feathers and a little light blindfolding, but that’s about as far as we get with props in the bedroom. I have always been against having anything resembling a penis anywhere near my relationship, and up until now I thought that my girl agreed. But now we’re at odds about it and she’s saying that she’ll “take care of it” if I’m not into it. We’ve been together for almost a year now and besides this little dispute everything has been a-ok. What can I do to save my relationship?
What can you do to save your relationship? You can realize that your girl doesn’t want to be tickled by a feather, but does want to be pounded by some meat or something like it. Maybe you’ve exhausted all of the different ways to li-li-li-li-li-lick her like a lollipop or maybe she just wants her pussy to feel the sensation of something that’s wide enough to hit her walls. But the bottom line is that your bitch wants penetration, and she’s made it very clear that either you’ve gotta do it or someone else will. I know, I know – you don’t want anything phallic pumpin’ in your relationship. But your options may be something phallic or an actual phallus, and the choice is yours. Your woman’s honesty is refreshing, especially since she knows how you feel about the situation. She could have just gone out and let someone else poke his or her stick into her mulberry bush, but she’s giving you the chance to do it first.
You’re not wrong to be against the idea of a dildo in your bedroom, but she also has the right to want what she wants because there isn’t a finger, toe, or tongue that can compete with the feeling of a penis (unless it’s a penis the size of a finger, toe, or tongue). If you’re worried about potentially opening the door to girl-on-boy sex, try to disassociate the schlong from the man. For instance, don’t strap on and start growling in her ear like a dude, let her know that it’s your feminine (or butchinine) ass making her feel so good. And you didn’t mention whether she wanted something life-like or would go with something less organic, but you should skip the ones made out of Cyberskin and go for one that’s silicone or chrome-plated steel. Whatever you do, just get something. This isn’t worth losing someone that you’re happy with. And as a bonus, you might actually like it. Start with a strap-on that will vibrate on your clit while you’re penetrating her and you guys’ll be on your way to a double-ended dildo in no time. Carpe diem.
Got a question? Email the Magic City Kitty.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you’ll never miss Miami New Times' biggest stories.
- Baseball Player's Former Assistant Sold His $167K Boat Behind His Back in Opa-locka
- Goat Blood-Drinking Senate Candidate Tried to Get Miley Cyrus' Endorsement
- Poll: Floridians Really Don't Want Guns on Campuses