Magic City Kitty - Dude, I Fucked My Car
Some stockpile it for a rainy day, but for the record - the Siberian Tiger may be, but pussy is not on the endangered species list. I love a prepared mothafucka, but I’m also a firm believer that the most high has blessed this land with plenty of muff for everyone. Yes, there is a warm, wet, and willing hole for every penis, finger, elbow and tongue to cuddle up in. Regardless of that fact, some still choose to explore other options. And by “other” I don’t mean an armpit or neck roll, not even a horse or a pitbull named Rex. I mean something like 20-year-old virgin and Missouri resident Jordan Witham’s love, Ingo. She’s petite and curvy, with a face that has made more than a few folks moan “Punch buggy, no punch back.” By falling in love with his VW bug, Jordan will never have to touch his coochie reserve, but may have to keep an eye on rising gas prices. According to Closermagazine, he’s never kissed or been attracted to a woman but for the past four years he’s been shagging his 1967 Beetle. Now that’s some old tail(pipe)!
“I don’t always have sex with the car,” he explains. “Sometimes I stroke and kiss her bodywork, or rub myself up against her. If I’ve just been driving her, I have to wait for the exhaust pipe to cool down before I have sex. And I always use a condom because of all the dirt and dust inside.”
Oh, and he just bought a Trans Am that he’s named Todd. They are now lovers. Eat your heart out Ingo.
Thanks Jordan, now that R. Kelly song is stuck in my head…“So baby gimme dat Toot Toot, and let me hear that Beep Beep.”
Got XXX news? Email the Magic City Kitty.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you’ll never miss Miami New Times' biggest stories.