Magic City Kitty - Aww, Skeet, Skeet, Skeet, Skeet

Hello, Kitty

My parents are getting their house fumigated this weekend, and instead of getting a hotel they’re staying in my apartment with me. I’m a single dude and there are various cum stains on my carpet, bed frame, blankets, and couch that I need removed before my mom and dad get here. Any tips on how to do this?

Nutty Buddy

Hey, Nutty

Thank goodness you’re asking me how to remove the stains instead of how to explain them, there’s just no easy way to tell your folks that you’ve been glazing the couch with your sperm. But what is simple? Removal. You may have to alter my directions depending on how long the dick-butter has been there, but you’ll get the idea. For the jizz on the carpet, soak the stain with carpet cleaner (I swear by Oxy Clean – not for this, but in general), let it sit for 10-15 minutes and then blot with a damp towel. The headboard? Damn, how much is on there? Is it so thick that you need to scrape it off with a butter knife? Or can it be handled with a quick swipe of a wet rag? Ew if it’s the first one. I’m not judging, but do you just let your DNA sit around as if it’s a part of your interior design? And I’m still not clear if this stains appeared after you were playing by yourself or was there someone else in the room? If so, where did their cum end up? Is this some of their cum that you're trying to get rid of? Mannnn moving on…

For the bedspread, use laundry stain remover directly on the spot, wash and repeat until the ball juice is gone. Last, but not least, the couch. You can use the same method that you used on the carpet depending on the fabric and how long the stain has been there. You should allow yourself at least a day for total cum removal, and if the spot cleaners don’t work try Lemon Juice, Nature’s Miracle or hydrogen peroxide. But really, you should work on your aim. Your mom would be pissed if she ever knew about all of the grandkids you’ve wasted just skeeting all over the place.

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