Well, have no fear! Because the Riptide 2.0 Heat vs. Celtics Extravaganzapaloozajamoboree Live Blog is here. Live. And all up in your face!
We'll live-blog the debut of the Three Kings tonight from beginning to end, with only marginal restroom stops and the occasional porn site visit. So come back at 7:30, grab a beverage, sit back, relax, and enjoy the crazy.
7:35 - The Boston crowd is more boisterous than usual. And by "boisterous," we of course mean "douchey."
7:36 - Good to see Shaq as statuesque as always.
7:37 - The refs with two quick fouls on both teams to bring the excitement to a screeching halt. People paid $14,000 for floor seats for this!
7:38 - The season's first points come courtesy of LeBron James. HE'S SO SELFISH! WHAT A DESPICABLE HUMAN PERSON!
7:40 - What is Carlos Arroyo doing taking a shot?
7:43 - Celts off to a 7-0 run and have a standing ovation. Is this ovation because the world hates Miami or because Boston is the most insufferable sports city on the planet? We might never know.
7:48 - Boston's Rajon Rondo showing us the Heat desperately needs a point guard.*
*Carlos Arroyo and Mario Chalmers don't count.
7:57 - D-Wade is off to an 0-for-4 start with three turnovers. We'll take that rust over him being sidelined for a couple of months with a bad hammy.
8:00 - That's the end of the first quarter. Boys look exactly like a team that's been together for four months.
Also, Big Baby is in the game!
Most punchable face in the NBA? Most punchable face in the NBA.
8:16 - Nate Robinson now in the game for Boston. If you're saying to yourself: "My, that Celtics club sure does have a surplus of douchey players," you're right. Also, keep in mind this team was built by Danny Ainge.
8:18 - D-Wade is pretty much the worst player on the floor right now. We blame the beard. If it's going to be like Tom Brady and his hair, we need to address this immediately.
8:31 - In a long-ass NBA season, I wouldn't mind this slow start by Miami so much. But because it's against Boston, it's especially grinding on the balls.
8:34 - Boston fans texting during the game. Something Heat fans get criticized for all the time. WE-AH THA GREATEST FAANS IN THA WORLD! OW-AH TEXTS ARE MO-AH IMPORTAANT THAN YO-AH TEXTS!
8:41 - End of the first half. Celtics lead 45-30. A terrible start for the Heat. Everybody jump ship! Fire Eric Spoelstra! Trade Dwyane Wade! These ideas makes a lot of sense when you think about them.
9:03 - Paul Pierce's flopping and whining is in midseason form!
9:14 - Judging from the emails we're receiving and tweets we're seeing, people are jumping ship on the Heat already. This might sound like fan overreaction. But only to people who don't live in Miami or root for Miami sports teams.
9:25 - Paul Pierce wants that Oscar SO BAD!
9:29 - LeBron is beginning to warm up. Unfortunately, his teammates are playing like the Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer. "I'm just an unfrozen caveman! That oblong leather ball frightens and confuses me!"
9:33 - Boston's lead is down to six. LeBron. Is. Taking. Over. If only Wade's hamstring hadn't gone all Pete Townshend's guitar strings on us in the preseason!
9:38 - PAUL PIERCE HAS MIRACULOUSLY HEALED!
9:47 - James Jones with the three... holy assballs, the lead is down to 7!
9:48 - Pierce answers back with a three of his own. What a shot by a guy who was pronounced clinically dead ten minutes ago!*
9:51 - Spoelstra is telling the team this is now about "possession-saving plays." It's also about getting the ball to LeBron, when you think about it.
9:55 - Heat just can't get a rhythm. Wade struggling has been an issue all night. Also, Boston fans chanting M-V-P for Pierce? DOUCHE!
10:03 - LeBron shooting lights out while his teammates have crapped the bed. It's like he never left Cleveland!
10:05 - Miami down three with a minute left. This LeBron fella is quite good!
10:06 - Boston calls timeout. All of Doucheland is now collectively clenching its asshole. It's a lovely thing.
10:10 - Wade with a quick shot that doesn't land. That was ill-advised. Wade just not having a good night. Boston fans, on the other hand, are currently chanting, "Overrated." They're in top douche form!
10:13 - The Heat is going to drop its first game. The haters will gloat. The fans will panic. But it's 82 games. And Wade and Bosh each had a terrible night. Let's keep that in mind as we drown in our Jack and Coke.
Recap: On a night when Wade and Bosh were atrocious, the Heat still lost only by eight. And LeBron proved he is the best player in the NBA, even if everyone treats him like he eats babies for energy (PURE PROTEIN!). And he plays for the Heat! With Dwyane Wade!
The rest of the league should still be very much afraid.
Thanks for stopping by the live-blog, everybody! Meet you all at Whiskey Tango
! FREE BOOZE! WEEEEeeeee!