Tomorrow night, the New York Knicks-- led by Asian American Harvard Grad™ Jeremy Lin-- come to Miami to take on the Heat. Lin's quick rise to prominence hasn't exactly brought out the best in America. Fox's Jason Whitlock made that penis size joke. ESPN had the "Chink in the Armor" headline. Then there have been the racist signs at games, and of course, the newspaper puns.
When this carnival of our own ignorance comes to Miami, we get a little worried. Anybody who's ever been in the bleachers at a Marlins game when the opposing team fields a Japanese pitcher knows that we can be some openly racist freaks when we wanna.
That's why, for this game only, we're endorsing adding these simple provisions to the "Terms and Conditions" of tickets to Thursday night's game. We don't want to end up on Sportscenter for all the wrong reasons.
TERMS AND CONDITIONS (Cont.)
Bodily Gestures. Please keep your hands by your side until you have fully decided which gesture you're going to make-- let's not have any impulse gestures here. Middle fingers are completely acceptable. Please keep your fingers away from your eye regions. If dust gets caught in the corners of both eyes, please go to the lavatory to pick it out. (Which is not to say that the lavatory should become some hotbed of eye-stretching.) No bowing.
Signage. No fortune cookies. Stay away from the word "yellow", even when replacing the word "black" in popular references.
Cheering. Heckling is strongly encouraged. Did you know that Harvard's law school is widely regarded as inferior to Yale's? Ooh, that's gold. We don't see any reason why you can't posit that Lin's mother, Shirley, blows goats. (If there's anything we've learned from attending sporting events, it's that a surprisingly high percentage of pro athletes come from goat-blowing households.) Just don't fucking yell it -- or whisper it, or say anything -- in a "Engrish" accent.
Beverages. If you turn into Michael Richards, maybe limit it to two beers tonight. Or watch from home? ESPN cameras don't usually raid living rooms in Kendall.
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The Dick Clause. Don't be one.
Special note for media covering the event. Watch this Saturday Night Live sketch, with your brain.