Let's Talk Free Agents: Defense
Sports Illustrated's Peter King says the Dolphins are poised to have a big off-season after releasing Trent Green, Marty Booker and L.J. Shelton. With those guys off the books, the Fins' cap number has gone from $29 million to $40 million (sadly, my cap space is holding steady at $58.12), which means they are now free to throw their money at big-time free agents.
King mentions Linebacker Lance Briggs, Cornerback Asante Samuel and Safety Gibril Wilson as possible candidates. Yes and thank you. On all three. Of course, the Fins won't land all three, so they'll need to invest wisely.
Here now are my top free agents (Yes, real, actual football talk. The dick jokes will have to take the day off).
1.) Albert Haynesworth, Titans: They'll be tagging his big ass with the franchise label. So, no dice. Fuck.
2.) Brian Young, Saints: Not to be confused with Bryant. Mainly because Brian is not as good as Bryant. Also, Brian is white.
3.) Tommy Kelly, Raiders: I'd rank him higher, but he's coming off a season-ending knee injury. Still, he's a rock on the line. Plus, he sounds like a 1930s era gangster. Or a 1930s era boxer. Either one works for me.
4.) Isaac Sopoaga, 49ers: What the hell. What's one more Samoan?
1.) Lance Briggs, Bears: Now that Peter King has mentioned him as a target, we have no shot. Thanks for jinxing us you fat fuck!
2.) Terrell Suggs, Ravens: Baltimore has already said they plan on franchising him. Dickbags.
3.) Karlos Dansby, Cardinals: Another likely franchised player. Shit! Franchise tags are flying all over the place! Ahhh!!! Run!!!
1.) Nnamdi Asomugha, Raiders: Here's a guy nobody's talking about. Mainly because they can't pronounce his fucking name. Other than that, I think he's very underrated and a solid Pro-Bowl caliber player.
2.) Asante Samuel, Patriots: Is going to ask for Nate Clements money. We don't have Nate Clements money. He also has that "Shined in New England But Will Be A Bust Anywhere Else" smell all over him. Smells like bad fish.
3.) Marcus Truffant, Seahawks: 85 tackles, 7 INTS last year. That's more than the entire Dolphins defense. Look it up.
4.) Jacques Reeves, Cowboys: Hey, a Cowboy! Which means he'll definitely be a Dolphin next year. Not sure I like the idea of saying Jacques all the time when I talk about him, though. Mainly because I hate the French. So, if he comes here, his name will be Jack. Jack sounds American. Jack sounds badass. Jacques sounds like a pretentious artist who paints paintings of human ears on Coke bottles jammed up fat chicks' asses and everyone calls him a genius.
1.) Ken Hamlin, Cowboys: Those of you who read my old Miami Sports Dude blog remember how I LOVE this guy and wanted us to sign him last year!! But we had retards running our team, so he ended up in Dallas!! C'mon Ireland and Parcells! He's a Cowboy!! You are contractually obligated to sign Hamlin!!! Why am I yelling??!!
2.) Eugene Wilson, Patriots: Didn't play in the Super Bowl due to a sprained ankle. That game could've been a whole lot different had he been there. The guy has great cover speed. He also hits like a motherfucker, which is an actual scouting term. But injuries could be a nagging problem.
3.) Madieu Williams, Bengals: Sounds like a character from a Tyler Perry movie. Mad Williams sounds cool, though.
4.) Gibril Wilson, Giants: Solid all around player but will likely return to the G-Men. So, fuck him. Unless we sign him, then welcome! -- Chris Joseph
For more on sports from Chris Joseph visit Finsnation.com
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you’ll never miss Miami New Times' biggest stories.
- $35,000 Worth of Christmas Trees Stolen From Kendall Costco
- Woman's "End of Probation" Party Leads to Arrests
- Post-Turkey Critical Mass Heads Through East Little Havana, Liberty City, Wynwood Tonight