LeBron Makes History and D-Wade Bounces Back as the Heat Tie Series 2-2
What's better than having one face-cleaving rim wrecking badass mother cow on your basketball team? TWO face-cleaving rim wrecking badass mother cows.
In front of a capacity crowd of Indiana fans waving a golden shower of yellow towels, and a Pacers team that had gotten a little too cocky for its own good, LeBron James managed to have the single greatest playoff performance of his crotch-mashing career, while Dwyane Wade bounced back from his worst playoff performance a game ago and similarly kicked in some dicks himself. The two combined forces to waylay the Pacers to the tune of 101-93, tying the series at two-apiece and bringing it back to Miami for Game 5.
Things didn't start off so well for the Heat on Sunday. The Pacers jumped out to a 9-0 lead while the Heat looked like they couldn't wait to start making their summer plans.
D-Wade looked as if he was still stuck in Gives-Not-A-Single-Fuckville (population: 1), Mike Miller continued to hobble around like a re-animated scarecrow and Shane Battier continued to look as if he is shooting the basketball with his feet. Mario Chalmers reverted back to Mario Chalmers, and LeBron wasn't sharp with his shots.
But then, a couple of things happened.
First off, Danny Granger (this guy), got into Dwyane Wade's face after Wade was fouled by Roy Hibbert. Granger has generally been a giant flaccid dick the entire series by committing cheap bush-league fouls and angrily stepping up to guys like Wade and LeBron because he comes from the mean streets of Peoria, Illinois where you learn to step up to a dude and yell at him before walking away hurriedly.
Wade, who has been having the worst playoff series of his career, decided to dedicate the rest of the afternoon to ruining Pacers ass after that altercation. So Wade, whom we heavily criticized after Game 3, went ahead and started doing what he do -- namely, slashing to the basket, making shots off the glass, and generally slapping dicks by the assload, all while telling us to shove our Game 3 recap into our pooper.
Then there was LeBron James and his astonishing and uncanny ability to dick-kick his enemies unconscious with his basketball prowess. As he has proven time and time again, even in the face of doubters and haters and jackasses, LeBron is a shining paragon of blowing up asses. After some asshole received a paycheck to say how LeBron failed to put his team on his back and rally them in Game 3 even though the series was far from over, LeBron did just that on Sunday in Game 4.
Read that stat line again.
Now flick your own penis with a pencil so you can really remember this moment.
Because what LeBron did hasn't been done since Elgin Baylor did it back when dudes wore short shorts, had giant afros and the league was filled with smaller, derpier white dudes.
On top of that, LeBron rested only four minutes the entire game while he scored or assisted on 62 of the Heat's 101 points.
But LeBron wasn't alone in destroying the Pacers. D-Wade stepped up and joined in as the two created havoc in Indiana in their brotherhood of unstoppable cock punches.
After going into halftime down by 8, the two came out and combined to outscore the entire city of Indiana and Larry Bird's giant head 43-39 in the second half. They also out rebounded Indiana 19-18. By the middle of the fourth quarter, Cobradick and MV3 scored 49 of Miami's 51 points.
But they also had a little help from a third party. Everyone, even the most staunch and loyal supporters had declared Udonis Haslem and his once money mid-range jumpshot DOA. But then some sphincter-faced monkeydick named Louis Amundson stuck an elbow out to prevent Haslem from getting a rebound, and hit UD in the face, cutting him open right above the eye.
The Pacers are a team that watches a lot of game film and does a lot of research to prepare for their opponents. But their research didn't show that it's a ludicrously awful idea to make Udonis Haslem bleed.
Haslem received nine stitches and then got an patch over his eye, and then proceeded to eradicate his enemies with his awesomeness. He scored 14 points, including a pair of huge mid-range shots to keep the feisty Pacers from cutting into Miami's lead.
The end result was a monumental ass-beating at the hands of two of the best players in the NBA and their friend, the man who will one day be Mayor of Miami.
And while the haters and doubters and dipshits continue to make loud angry noises in their unbridled and irrational hate while missing the sheer brilliance of LeBron and Wade, the Heat get back to doing what they seem to do best -- shutting out the noise, and playing ball.
Even while the media spews nonsense about how Wade "just didn't give a crap" in Game 3 -- because hey there's no way he just didn't have a bad game, even though he was obviously hurting and had to have his knee drained -- the Heat continue to roll and let their giant dongs do their talking.
Now the series is tied and becomes a best two-out-of-three. Miami is going to need all of LeBron and Wade to win two more games, and other guys like Haslem or Mario (or, heaven forbid, EVERYONE ELSE) to step up and be the Third Guy in place of the still-injured Chris Bosh. One thing is clear, though. The Heat can't be underestimated anymore.Not when you've got two badass mother cows fucking the other team's shit up good and proper.
Game 5 is in Miami on Tuesday. Tipoff is at 8 p.m.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you’ll never miss Miami New Times' biggest stories.
- Residents Vow to Continue Fighting Midtown Walmart After Losing Court Appeal
Fri., Sep. 4, 11:30am
Fri., Sep. 4, 6:35pm
Sat., Sep. 5, 11:30am
Sat., Sep. 5, 7:00pm
- Hola, Hurricane Fred: Erika Fizzled, but There's Already Another Atlantic Storm
- Flight Records Reveal MDPD Has an Unmarked Cessna Used for Surveillance