For all the regular season ups and downs, accolades and drama, people celebrating in the streets with pots and pans when the Miami Heat won, people setting themselves on fire when they lost, the real NBA games that count finally got kicked off yesterday. And with everyone saying that the season will be a complete and utter failure if the Heat fail to win it all this year, and with everyone saying the New York Knicks were the hottest team in the league and all the pressure was on LeBron James to come through, things got off to a brilliant start for the Heat.
And by that we mean LeBron went the fuck off with a 32-point performance on 10-for-14 shooting, playing insanely stifling defense, and leading the Heat to the 100-67 blowout win over the Knicks in Game 1 of the Eastern Conference Quarterfinals.
The point is, Cobra Dick.
To put it plainly, LeBron James was one hardcore motherfuck yesterday. He was an animal on both sides of the floor, scoring at will and playing defense like the Knicks put their dicks into his pre-game soup.
To their credit, New York kept things close in the early goings. They took advantage of sloppy turnovers committed by Miami and got a lift offensively from Baron Davis and JR Smith.
But, with 1:34 remaining in the half, shit got what the experts call real.
Tyson Chandler looked to set a back pick near midcourt on LeBron. But instead of standing erect and letting LeBron run into him, Chandler threw his shoulder into James's back, causing the Heat star to collapse in pain. Chandler was charged with a flagrant-1.
It was at this point where the tide and mood of the game changed. It was also at this point where LeBron decided to polish off his giant pair of balls on the entire New York Knickerbocker organization.
James hit his two freethrows from the Chandler foul. Ten seconds after that, he banked a 20-foot shot off the glass while being fouled by JR Smith. LeBron then drained a shot with 48 seconds left, and then, with three second remaining in the half, flew to the basket for an uncontested layup while the Knicks defense scattered out of the way as if someone opened a jar of bees under the basket. The half ended on a 24-2 run by the Heat, all set in motion by LeBron James and his groin-crushing awesomeness.
The Knicks defense was aggressive and physical with James all game long, pushing him, hacking him, rolling giant boulders at him, and shooting poisoned arrows at him with straws.
All to no avail.
James continued to accomplish his towering deeds of ass-kickery, hitting seemingly every shot he put up, and stifling Knicks star Carmelo Anthony throughout the entire game. Coming into the playoffs, Anthony had been the hottest shooting player in the NBA, finally resembling the flashy big shot star all of New York envisioned him to be when he signed with the Knicks last season. Now with LeBron playing defense on him, he resembled a flaccid penis, missing his first seven shots and finishing the game with 10 points on 3-for-15 shooting.
As if to leave an exclamation point on the proceedings, and to remind the entire planet that, hate on him all you want, he's still the baddest motherfucker on the planet and is going to punch any and every team foolish enough to get in his way in the asshole, LeBron drained a three-point shot right over Anthony with 1.4 seconds remaining in the third quarter. At the end of three quarters, the Knicks as a team had 47 points while LeBron had 32 all by himself. And he would've gotten a hell of a lot more had Erik Spoelstra not sat him down to avoid the horrible shit that happened to this guy earlier in the day.
And with that, the Heat cruised to a Game 1 blowout in their quest of getting back to the NBA Finals.
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After the game, Spoelstra described LeBron's play. "Spectacular," he told the meida. "His play spoke for itself. It seemed on both ends of the court he had his hands on every single play."
And his ballsack on every single face in all of New York.
Game 2 of the best-of-seven series is on Monday night at American Airlines Arena. Tipoff is 7 p.m.