All summer, everybody's been hating on LeBron and the Heat. First, some bitter buckeye called the team evil. Just last week, James was named the sixth most hated athlete in America. So what's a superstar to do?
We say roll with it. That goody-two-shoes shit won't work in Miami anyway. Here are five ways LeBron can become the super-villain this city deserves.
5. New image
"The King" just won't cut it anymore -- too benevolent. We suggest "Jefe Jaime," a nod to all the Latin American strongmen who've ended up in our beloved, corrupt city.
And no more suits and ties or old-man beard either. Jefe's new outfit should be all-black, with a bleach-blond goatee as the exclamation point. Maybe a Capt. Jack Sparrow bead or two for bad measure.
4. Ditch the friends
LeBron is famous for keeping the same group of homies since high school. It's time to burn those bridges, baby! Instead, why not hang out with Miami's most despicable, beginning with hip-hop producer Scott Storch? Nothing says ego like a sports star with a rap album.
3. Trade in the girlfriend
Every strong man needs an equally evil woman by his side. LeBron's longtime sweetheart, Savannah Brinson, is way too nice for the role. How about Kim Kardashian? She's already dated Heisman-cheater Reggie Bush. Plus she looks like she could swing a mean whip.
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2. Bachelor pad
With or without Kardashian, Jefe Jaime will need some new digs. The run-of-the-mill secluded mansion just won't fit his scandalous profile. He should buy out the top of the Icon Brickell downtown. Import some models, a little pregame pep dust, and -- presto! -- one lecherous lair.
1. Twitter trash-talk
No more Mr. Nice Guy tweets like last week's "Mike Vick was amazing! Happy for him. Making his 2nd chance count." Hell, no. Jefe Jaime tweet-taunts during games: "LOL, I just dunked in Shaq's face!"