LeBron James tore a hole in the fabric of the universe when he announced on live television he was joining the Miami Heat. Clevelanders burned Cavaliers jerseys, South Floridians acted like they care about basketball, Miami millionaires bought condos downtown, and bears drove cars.
Most important, people said some really dumb/crazy things. Here's our compendium:
"You could see LeBron fitting in pretty well there."
That's the president trying to persuade LeBron to pick the Chicago Bulls. Yeah, the president of the United States. Don't worry: Joe Biden is watching the store.
"In this fall, I'm taking my talents to South Beach."
This all-important sentence came out sounding like something a horny Ukrainian exchange student might sputter — especially because the Heat plays, y'know, downtown. If LeBron knew the true heart of Miami, he would've said, "I'm taking my talents to Hialeah."
"The self-declared former 'King' will be taking the 'curse' with him down South."
We could have plucked any line from Cleveland Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert's screed published online minutes after LeBron's decision. If you haven't seen it, think Ted Kaczynski in comic sans.
"We already won, and there ain't no need to play no games."
That's the chorus to the new Heat rap anthem starring rapper Flo Rida. In a nursing home somewhere, a grandfather sadly shakes his head and mutters some combination of "whippersnappers," "instant gratification," and "they don't even know who Bill Russell is" before spitting out some chaw.
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"[The] New York Yankees' empire is not as evil as [the] Miami Heat's."
This claim, made by drunk-on-sorrow Cleveland Plain Dealer columnist Bud Shaw, signaled we had finally arrived. Of course, it's simply not true. Unless Mel Gibson can play point.
"If there was an opportunity for me to return, and those fans welcome me back, that would be a great story."
That's LeBron telling GQ he can envision himself putting on a Cavs jersey again. But it might as well be Manuel Noriega saying he'd love to move back into the presidential palace in Panama City.