You guys, can we get personal here for a second? Because today, well, it's kind of a hard day for me. See, I'm not a very big April Fools' Day fan, but my Uncle Bobby always was. About five years ago, he set up an elaborate prank, an epic two-parter, on his mother, my grandmother. First he called her to tell her he had a major accident involving the zipper of his jeans. There was so much blood gushing out, he said, he could barely remember any other phone number but hers. Bobby pleaded with her to get over there immediately. Now, my grandmother wasn't exactly the sharpest person, but she loved her children. So she unquestionably jumped in her Town Car and zoomed three miles to his apartment. On the way there, she ended up hitting a tree. Nothing major, but she conked her head badly. Doctors said it probably gave her a minor concussion, but she didn't stop. She kept on driving. Her son's scrotum was gushing blood, and she wasn't going to outlive one of her children.
When she got there, she saw he was fine. She was angry at first, but that gave way to the curiosity about the noise she heard coming from another room. Someone else was there. Bobby, hearing about the accident, almost didn't go through with the joke. But he had inherited my grandmother's occasional intellectual simplicity and asked the man to came out.
It wasn't just any man, though. He looked exactly like my late grandfather, Herald, who had passed about three and a half years before. Bobby saw him a few months ago and, noticing the uncanny resemblance, hired him for the prank. My grandmother, with a head woozy from the concussion, fell for it, began crying, and hugged him. Then the man yelled, "April Fools," and my grandmother's weak heart gave out. She had a massive heart attack and died right there on the floor.
So, you see, there's a reason I never laugh on... APRIL FOOLS! Har, har, har, who didn't see that coming? AMIRITE? BLAMO!
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No, but seriously, I do hate today, but that doesn't mean everyone else does. In fact, we ran some fake news articles. You'll never guess which ones. Actually, if you're a regular reader, you might have a hard time. I wasn't even sure sometimes.
- No, the sex offenders are not moving into luxury Brickell apartment buildings, and they do not get complimentary Justin Bieber CDs. They'll just have to download their Bieber music from the Internet like the rest of us.
- No, the Dolphins' home stadium is not being renamed after Tampax. It will retain its corporate-sponsored current name of, umm... wait, what was it this month?
- No, scientists did not find trace amounts of cocaine in the sands of South Beach. I mean, it's probably there, but scientists just haven't bothered to look for it.
- Yes, every time Kim Kardashian goes swimming, there is something shitty in the water, but she was not actually caught pooping in a hotel pool.
Everything else was real. Honestly. Even the Chonga show, unfortunately.