Just When Chad Henne Finally Gets His Shit Together, the Fins D Gets Reamed
TAWMMY BRADY IS FACKIN' GAWD!! LET'S GO SAWX!!
All the talk before this season began was how Chad Henne and the Miami Dolphins offense was just a massive pile of deer shit. But when Henne started things off last night's season opener against the New England Patriots by leading the Fins on a 12-play, 84-yard opening touchdown drive, it seemed as if our hopes and dreams of a nonshitty season were finally coming to fruition.
But because the Dolphins are assholes, the defense decided to throw a piss-filled balloon on those hopes and dreams and gave up an NFL record 517 passing yards to Tom Brady and allowed Henne's fine performance to go to waste in a 38-24 beatdown. Because that's how the Dolphins roll. Also, because Jesus hates you.
Let's cover the finer points:
- Tough to expect a win against the New England Patriots. Certainly most of us were expecting a heaping serving of some humble pie from the division champs. Just didn't expect that pie to taste like prison ass.
- It's not enough that the Fins lose on a Monday-night season opener. No, they have to get royally cockpunched and allow the other team to break a few records while they're at it. Even with an offensive line that was crumbling at the seams, Brady seemed to have all night to throw passes to eight of his 5'7" wide receivers, take pictures with fans, read Infinite Jest from cover to cover, place a call to his mom, and throw touchdowns passes to his 893 tight ends.
- So Henne finally has his breakout game, and the supposed "strength" of this team -- the defense -- throws up in its collective pants. So fucking typical of this team.
- Cam Wake had a sack but was mostly dominated by a rookie all night long. THE CURSE OF THE BEST OF MIAMI NEW TIMES STRIKES AGAIN!
- Brady was only bothered twice in his 48 throws, and he used a no-huddle offense and the shitty, muggy South Florida heat against the home team. The Dolphins' strength and conditioning coach can fuck himself with a bucket of Gatorade.
- Henne went 30-of-49 for 416 yards and two touchdowns. GOOD ROBOT! It can't be said enough how important it is to have gotten this guy off to a good start this season. If only his offensive line wasn't made up of Jake Long and the Amazing Assface Brothers! Also, it would be helpful to not call fade passes into the end zone on fourth and goal. Holy shitfists, that was stupid.
- All we needed was for Henne to put up decent numbers and the defense to do its thing and keep us out of the Fuck Room. It's always something with these dickholes.
- Things better than Reshad fucking Jones at safety: A fucking scarecrow. A fucking toaster. A fucking dildo. A fucking shoe. A fucking burning tire by the side of the road on Alligator Alley.
- Always start your fantasy tight ends against the Miami Dolphins defense. Always.
- If you have Wes Welker on your fantasy team, I hope a cement truck filled with snakes falls on you. Also, your mother is a whore.
- The Dolphins spent a second-round pick on Daniel Thomas, who didn't play. They also went out and signed Larry Johnson, who suited up but didn't play. And even while they insist Reggie Bush will be an every down back, he isn't. He was utilized early and often in this game, and by the time the third quarter started, he was running like a dude who had 20 shots of Jäger and was then smacked in the balls seven times with a sock full of pennies. Meanwhile, Ronnie Brown is in Philly, Ricky Williams is in Baltimore, and Lex Hilliard was on the bench with Larry Johnson. And when it came time to try to punch in a TD from the two, they went with nose tackle Paul Soliai, who was stuffed for no gain. It all makes perfect sense when you think about it!
- Next week, the Dolphins will host the Houston Texans, who have Matt Schaub and Andre Johnson and also whom the Dolphins have never, ever beaten. Prepare your anus.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you'll never miss Miami New Times' biggest stories.