Former MLB all-star José Canseco, now the manager of an Arizona minor-league team, uses his Twitter account for a lot of things: proposing (repeatedly) to his girlfriend, complaining about his girlfriend, looking for new girlfriends.
But on Thursday evening, right after he requested to trade an autographed bat for "2 or 3" chandeliers, he also used it to tell the world he was trying to recruit Manny Ramirez, Sammy Sosa and Pedro Martinez for the Yuma Scorpions.
He tweeted that he was "going after manny, sammy, pedro," and, though Canseco -- a former steroid user himself -- didn't use last names, Ramirez, Sosa and Martinez are the only major-leaguers he is likely to be referring to, and he's not the type to tell a joke on purpose.
Pedro has never tested positive for anything, but Manny, who has 555 career home runs and was the 2004 World Series MVP, retired in April nstead of serving a 100-game suspension for the latest of several positive drug tests.
Sammy testified with Canseco in the 2005 Congressional steroid hearings and has 609 homers of his own, including the 66 he obliterated in 1998 when he and fellow cheater Mark McGuire kicked Roger Maris in the nuts by smashing his home run record with the help of a bunch of chemicals. Sosa tested positive for banned substances in 2003, according to sources speaking to the New York Times, and he hasn't played ball since 2007.
Martinez, who last pitched in the 2009 World Series, might be Canseco's best shot at improving the Scorpions, who have given up 199 hits in their first 18 games and struggled with sub-par pitching, according to the Yuma Sun.
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Times have gotten so desperate for the mighty Scorps that even Canseco has had to take the mound: A tweet on Monday said "I pitched the 9th but was wild and had to pull myself." Heh.
Canseco also tweeted that at some point during that game, his dog Bruce escaped the team clubhouse and ran onto the field. He at one point described the dog -- in tweets, of course -- as weighing 200 pounds and being "a half weimaraner and half great dane that takes 5 pound dumps that are twelve inches high and can open doors."
Either "can open doors" is a dangling participle or those are the most talented turds of all time. The "speaking of talented turds..." joke is up to you, but I'm never unfollowing this guy on Twitter.