Jersey Shore Damage Report: You Made Your Dirty Tampon Bed, Now Sleep In It
After last week's special VMA edition scheduling confused us, we're back once again recapping the poignant take of the descendants of Italian immigrants trying to make it in the tropical melting pot of Miami Beach. Yes, it's Jersey Shore damage report time! Last night we learned never to leave our dirty tampons on the floor, that the sluttiest girls in Miami Beach are actually Canadian, and what "Cooka" was.
First there was some stray threads from last episode to tie up. Pauly D, who has really not done much of anything noteworthy this season, has met a Cuban princess name Rocio who he's wined and dined and decided is too special to smush with while his roommate sits by and watches while eating a special. She's a classy girl. You don't bang her while your roommate watches with a mouth full of deli meats until at least the third date.
Vinny is still heartbroken over some go-go dancer he met at a club. Of course he is. You want a classy dancer girl you find her at the ballet, not on top of a crappy club's bar. Jeez.
Ronnie and Sammi are apparently still together. Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaawn. They snicker about how Angelina is cheating on Fossil watch-enthusiast Jose, despite the fact Ronnie was just cheating on Sammi a few weeks ago. We'd find something snappy to say about the irony, but dear God these two bore the hell out of us.
Florida Panthers v Buffalo Sabres
TicketsSat., Apr. 8, 7:00pm
2017 FAU Baseball Season Tickets
TicketsSat., May. 20, 7:00pm
Fight Time #37
TicketsFri., Jun. 16, 8:00pm
NPC Southern States Bodybuilding Championships vs. NPC Southern States Fitness & Figure Championships
TicketsFri., Jul. 7, 6:00pm
Eventually, JWoww's boyfriend shows up. He seems kind of boring. His name is Tom. That's a boring name. Especially by Jersey standards. Why doesn't this kid have a snappy nickname like Tommy Doughnuts? Tommy Gun? Tom Tom Club? Anything. There has to be some drama of course, so he pretends to get upset after finding some mysterious number in Jenny's address book. I wonder how much the producers paid him to pretend to get upset. Eventually, the two made up and he tenderly fed Jenny her own boogers. So romantic.
The Situation would have had a stand out episode even if it didn't include his fight with Angelina (we'll get to that latter). First he leads a group chant of the "T-shirt Time Song," drops deep philosophical observations about GTL ("If you don't do laundry, you ain't got clothes to wear"), and then finds the easiest girl in Miami Beach.
So a note to outsiders. I know that Jersey Shore has made out Miami to be full of slutty girls. This is true. This is so true. But please note that a good portion of these slutty girls (and guys) aren't from here. They're tourists. Or they're models. Or they're living off daddy's trust fund -- until they spend it all on cocaine.
Case in point Mike met a girl at Dream. He tells her she's beautiful. She tells him, "Thank you, I'm a model." Of course you are honey. They're all "models" in Miami Beach. She also says she's from Canada! Aha!
She doesn't do the Maple Land proud though, as five minutes after meeting him she tried to go fuck Mike in the bathroom. That plan is foiled, and in the crowd the two would-be-lovers are separated. Such a tragedy.
Actually, not really, like everyone in town she knew the cast was staying at the Metropole so she put her number on the front gate. That is how desperate she is to get smushed by the Situation. Real classy.
So apparently even Canada turns out girls who exploit their sexuality for fleeting fame and the chance to screw around with notorious scum bags. Oh, wait, isn't Pamela Anderson Canadian? It all makes sense now.
Snooki, sadly, didn't have much of an episode. She meets a man wearing a full suit in a bar and gets hit on repeatedly by fugly dudes. I was the one who said, "Honestly, I think you're gorgeous." That was me*. For real. Not kidding. Scouts honor. So I sat in tears last night when shortly after our encounter she screamed, "Fuck my life." (*That was not actually me, but it might have well of been.)
Snooki also recounts the time she almost broke her "vagina bone," or as it's scientifically known, "cooka," while riding a bike, snuggles with Vinnie, and drunkingly tries to crawl in bed with Jenny while she's getting it on with Tom.
The real star of the episode was, for better or worse, Angelina. Yes, that Staten Island rat in an Ed Hardy mini-dress took the lead tonight.
After being teased that the only sausage she's encased in Miami was Vinny's she's lied about giving it up to poor Jose too and sets out to find more man meat. Which is really, really classy.
She ends up "dancing" at a club with the guy Snooki hooked up. Poor guy. Not only will he forever be known as the guy who fucked Snooki, but now he's the guy who tried to get with Angelina. What a great reputation.
Her mother delivers her a new ration of skank dresses to lounge around in, and they have a teary phone call. I haven't been this touched by the family lives of rodents since the Fievel movies.
She complains about how messy the house is. Moves some trash around the counter top and calls it "cleaning," before giving up and going to the beach with her friend Gina. There she ignored Vinny and Paulie (who are busy burying each other in the sand) and approaches some guy and brings him back to the house for a "matinée."
Oh, but all has not been quiet back home while she left. Mike found a dirty tampon sitting on the floor of the bathroom. I'm not sure how he immediately identified it has Angelina's, though. Maybe by smell? Taste? Actually, I don't want to know.
He does the mature thing and sticks it under her pillow. When Angelina finds out, she of course, originally, sticks it under his pillow.
A screaming match ensues. Mike calls her a "dirty littler hamster." Close Mike, she's actually a rat. How racist to assume that all rodents look a like, and Angelina moves in for a slap-fest before the screen fades to black and the credits roll.
Get the ICYMI: Today's Top Stories Newsletter Our daily newsletter delivers quick clicks to keep you in the know
Catch up on the day's news and stay informed with our daily digest of the most popular news, music, food and arts stories in Miami, delivered to your inbox Monday through Friday.