Jersey Shore Damage Report: The Situation's Bitchuation
With the recent Angelina defestation of the Metropole hotel it seemed a new era of peace and prosperity was about to rule through the Jersey Shore house. Even Sammi and JWoww made awkward attempts at burying the hatchet. But then a bigger bitch emerged: The Situation. The manchild didn't get his way last night, and as charming and funny as Mike can be at times, at the end of the day he's a guy pushing 30, hanging out on reality television with kids significantly younger than him. He's the kind of guy whose biggest achievement in life is his stomach muscles, and he wouldn't know class or grace if it smacked him the face. It's kind of sad, really.
So, yes, ding-dong the Angie-witch is dead. Mike and Pauly celebrated by dismantling her bed and throwing it, piece by piece, outside. After a brief scrub down of the room by a Hazmat team, the guys had finally reclaimed their room.
It even seemed that the cast was ready to give peace a chance, and Snooki tried to bury the hatch with Sammi. The way she handled it was actually really mature. She sat down, calmly explained the situation and tried to salvage the relationship. It probably would have worked had it not been for the fact that Snooki and JWoww are a package deal, and Sammi isn't yet ready to sign a South Beach peace treaty with the girl she got in an epic fight with just weeks ago.
Snooki and JWoww do have better luck though trying to make friends with a lobster. He was more on their intellectual level, anyway. After the boys bring it home for dinner, they try to keep it as a pet by keeping it in a small bowl of fresh water, careful not to let the aquatic animal drown, and feeding it worms. It doesn't work out so well, and they end up eating it.
Vinny ends up trying to ignite a relationship with a strange creature himself. Remember Romona, the dancer he met earlier in the season who promptly stood him up? Well, out of the blue she came back and decided to give V another shot. Unfortunately, she almost stood him up again, and Vinny makes back-up plans with two other DTF girls.
At the last minute, Romona arrives. Turns out she's from Romania. Romona from Romania. Vinny says she's the most interesting girl he's met in Miami because she's foreign and speaks three languages. Apparently, Vinny hasn't met that many girls in Miami, because roughly about half the locals are foreign and speak half a dozen languages, but whatever. The two end up having a good time, and Romona from Romania even ends up planting a kiss on our little Vinny.
Speaking of foreigner with multiple tongues, Snooki's friend Ryder also shows up. She is from Snooki's home planet Poofxavia 3 and speaks two languages: remedial English and Snookiese -- a language of strange grunts and drunken squeals. She calls the night before her arrival, drunk out of her mind. Too drunk for Snooki to even deal with, so she hands the phone off to Jenny. The conversation went something like this.
Jenny: Ok, honey, your plane takes off at 9:30 at JFK.
Ryder: So I gotta be there at a third past 27 o'clock?
Jenny: No, you should probably get there at 6:30.
Ryder: So I should get there on June 30th?
Jenny: No, no, honey, 6:30 am at JFK.
Ryder: Ok got it, I travel back in time to JFK's inauguration. Find the tiny airport inside of his hair, look for the plane piloted by a sad looking clown, and that'll take me to Miami?
Jenny: Yeah, sure, whatever, exactly.
Snooki: No, no, no, no. The tiny airport is actually located in JFK's breast pocket, and she needs to get on the plane piloted by the sad Mime. Sad Clown Airlines only flies to Los Angeles and backwards to ancient Egypt.
Magically, Ryder actually appears. Snooki is so excited to see another member of her species they only use their native alien tongue to communicate and dine on their planet's finest delicacy: hot sauce, chocolate, pickle, and vodka smoothies. Delicious.
A small hope of peace between Jenny and Sammi, Vinny finally getting together with Romana from Romania, and Snooki with her best friend: it seemed things were finally going right for everyone.
Of course, something had to ruin it. That something was the Situation.
Not one, but two nights in a row the crew heads to Klutch, and both times lead to drama.
On night one Mike is doing his usual bullshit by being super-aggressive with girl. He lifts up his shirt and lets girls rub his abs, unaware that they probably treat it as a joke rather than it meaning anything more. He literally picks up a few girls, at one point, juggling about three over his head. Apparently, girls don't like that. See, not all Miami girls are trashy, bro. So basically he's shut down, and when the Situation ain't happy, ain't no body happy.
At some point he's anointed upon himself the responsibility of gathering everyone up and the end of the night.
Problem is everyone else is having a good time. Snooki is busy dry humping a coach she's made a deep connection to. Sammi and Ronni are sitting in a corner doing their best impression of Statler and Waldorf from The Muppet Show imitation, Vinny is knee deep in the girls Mike has scared off. Everyone is happy but Mike, and Snooki isn't having any of it. You do not mess with Snooki, and a verbal fight escalates.
Everything seems to be fine by the morning, but the next night the crew head out to Klutch again and Mike pulls the same shit, except ten times worse.
He sets his sites on Romona from Romania, but thankfully Vinny's girl isn't falling for his routine. Apparently, Romanian girls are a lot classier than Canadian chicks.
Shot down once again, Mike begins to pout and decides to pull the "round up" routine once again. Snooki leads the resistance, and Mike gives her a tap across the cheek. Which wasn't as violent as it was disrespectfully out of line. The rest of the crew rebels, and instead of letting his friends enjoy themselves Mike continues to try and end their night.
See, as annoying and brash as Angelina was, she never stopped anyone else from having a good time. Her presence might have been a downer, but she was ignorable at best. The kind of small pest who can put a kink in your mood, but won't bring it down entirely.
This new annoying Situation is a far worse and far sadder beast. Frankly for a dude who oozes so much confidence, it's surprising that underneath he's just a little bitch.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you’ll never miss Miami New Times' biggest stories.
- Erika Now Projected To Miss South Florida
Thu., Sep. 3, 6:35pm
Fri., Sep. 4, 11:30am
Fri., Sep. 4, 6:35pm
Sat., Sep. 5, 11:30am
- Miami's Latin Builders Association Calls Donald Trump "Repugnant," Pulls Gala From His...
- Micky Arison Teases Internet With Miami Vice-Style Heat Jerseys