Jersey Shore Damage Report: Love Guido-Style and Magical Glasses
Last night on Jersey Shore, the cast continued to wreck havoc on the previously sleepy little island known as Miami Beach. Ronnie the shaved gorilla struggled with newly developing human emotions and even harder-to-grasp basic human logic. Meanwhile, Angelina the rat scurried about the house, tried desperately to avoid being stomped on, but basically squeaked her way into annoying everyone. Yes, it was heavy on some of our least favorite cast mates, but we did get to see how Snooki came to own her magical crystal glasses.
Last we saw the Jersey Shore-ites, Ronnie had gone on a drunken King Kong rampage. He called Sammi the C-word and then scaled the tallest building in South Beach -- well, OK, the stage and coaches at B.E.D. -- in search of skanks. Eventually, he reached the pinnacle by tripple-kissing some "grenades" before falling hard down to Earth. It was booty that killed the beast.
So the episode begins with Ronnie coming home and bragging about how he was going to sleep with Sammi after a night of skank snogging, which even the Situation and Pauly D thought was a disgusting action deprived of the very basic tenets of human decency. When you start disgusting those guys, you know you have a problem.
Sammi, though, instead of kicking him out of bed, welcomes him and they snuggle all night, which is, well, not so bright.
The next morning, Ronnie, who barely remembers a thing from the night before, decides he needs to cover his tracks. The best way to do this, he decides, is to discuss it with everyone in the house. He tells everyone: JWoww, Snooki, random people on the street. He sees a new guy in the house a few times and starts to tell him about it until he realizes the guy is his own reflection in the mirror.
Pauly D institutes Ronnie as the president and number one client of the "I'm Fucked Foundation," which is pretty accurate.
Somehow this works. Sammi catches bits and pieces, and she probably has an idea of what went on, but, sigh, she's a dumb girl who will do anything for the love of the shaved gorilla, so they decide to get back together. They cement this by going to the tattoo parlor together.
Yes, Ronnie uses more awesome logic and decides the best way to deal with painful emotions is to get an even more painful tattoo of praying hands. Actually, prayer to deal with his problems? No, of course not. Re-evaluating his use of alcohol, misogynist view of women, or fear of commitment? Not as good as a tattoo.
In fact, most major religions and leading psychologists say the best way to deal with your problems is by getting a tattoo, so that's what Ronnie does. So Sam Sam and Ron Ron (their new couple name is Samantha Ronson, BTW) get back together to be boring together until they fight again, only to get back together, fight some more, and on and on and on.
Before we get to the Angelina matter, other things happen. Most important, the story of Snooki's magical crystal sunglasses.
The girls all head to some horrible, horrible skank supply store called something like Trashy Couture Boutique or some shit. (Note to non-Miamians, please know that not all the shopping on SoBe is like this -- 75 percent, sure, but not all.) JWoww tries on random bits of fabric she finds on the floor and calls them dresses, but Snooki is drawn to the magical power of a beautiful set of crystal sunglasses.
They are a pricey $395, but that's a small amount to pay, because Snooki realizes that with these magical glasses, she can see into the depths of the human soul, and even though most souls are nasty, disgusting places, she kind of likes it. Yes, she likes feeling nasty.
Never mind that she cannot see anything five feet in front of her in the glasses, but she can see SOULS.
Ah, let's see, there's some chicken on the floor. Yes, the Situation, the group's surprising den mother, prepared barbecue chicken for his little guido friends and set it in the fridge to marinate. Snooki opens the fridge, after a busy day of staring into the depths of human depravity in her new glasses, and -- boom! -- chicken and sauce all over the floor. Snooki does not know how to deal with all of this, so she just kind of wimpers and leaves it there until Vinny forces her to clean it up.
Poor Snooki, always having to live like she's a friggin' pilgrim in the '20s.
She comes home, drunk off rat poison, and gets into some weird fight with the Situation and Pauly D over god knows what. Angelina was so drunk I'm not even sure she knows, but she basically burned the last bridge of friendship she had in the house. Poor Angie, maybe its time to pack up your trash bags and head back to the Staten Island dumpster with the rest of your rat friends.
So what did the crew destroy this episode:
- The reputation of B.E.D. is pretty much ruined after appearing not only in two episode of Jersey Shore so far, but also Bad Girls Club and Basketball Wives. Desperate much?
- The tattoo parlor had to replace the chair Ronnie sat on for four hours after the combination of his juiced up back sweat and hair gel literally burned a hole through it.
- Planet Sushi, which was briefly featured, was once a quiet, affordable restaurant with good food, but now will forever be known as the Jersey Shore's favorite raw fish source.
- Trashy Slutty Couture Boutique, or whatever, will probably actually get a bump in sales from their target costumer after this, but the sales clerk who sold Snooki her glasses was fired after realizing that the glasses were not for sale, but rather a family heirloom of the owners passed down generation to generation, and if they ever fall into the wrong hands, well, lets just say it could destroy us all.
Get the ICYMI: Today's Top Stories Newsletter Our daily newsletter delivers quick clicks to keep you in the know
Catch up on the day's news and stay informed with our daily digest of the most popular news, music, food and arts stories in Miami, delivered to your inbox Monday through Friday.