Jersey Shore Damage Report: Farewell Sweet Guidos
Our long, local nightmare is over. Actually, it was more like a slightly upsetting drunken fever dream, but whatever the case, last night we said "So long, farewell, auf Guido-sehen, goodnight" once and for all to our most infamous temporary residents: the cast of Jersey Shore. Amazingly, despite the fears of some loud-mouthed local, the city of Miami Beach remains completely intact, the same humid mix of classy and trashy it's always been.
So lets recap their last hoorah in South Florida.
In case you haven't heard: Miami's hottest new club is Everglades. Club promoter Marjory Stoned-man Fugless has gone all out, and inside is just everything: air boats, alligators, mosquitoes the size of Snooki, fist pumping guido skunk apes in Ed Hardy board short...
Oh what's that? You haven't heard the real story of the Skunk Ape? Most people have heard of the Skunk Ape, South Florida's answer to Big Foot, but his real origin is lesser known. You see, before the Jersey Shore cast visited, an Italian American has not set foot in the Everglades since the 1960s. That's when one decided to take an air boat tour as a side trip to his stay on Miami Beach. He feel off, and after a furious twenty minute search was presumed dead. Though that goomba, known to his friends as Skunky A, actually survived and has been lost in the Everglades ever since.
Local lore says that Skunk Ape's distinctively bad smell comes from rolling around in rotting animal carcasses, while really it's just an unfortunate mix of Aqua Di Gio cologne, Axe body spray, Dippity Do hair gel, Red Bull & vodka breath, and various tanning lotions which combined actually smells worse than a dead animal. Reports say that Skunk Ape can be seen time to time threatening humans, but his violent gesture is just the naive beast engaging in primitive fist pumping.
It really is a shame ol' Skunky A did not come across the Jersey Shore-ites. He probably would have found his one true love in Snooki. She says's she's looking for a juice head gorilla, but maybe what she's really looking for is a meaty Skunk Ape.
After they return from the 'Glades, it's couples time. AKA boring time.
Despite Romona from Romania being late, she meets up with Vinny one last time before he leaves. It actually seems like the might give the idea of a long distance relationship a try. Who knows? Who cares, honestly?
The same can be said for Pauly D and Rocio. Yawn. Though, we should give some sort of medal to Rocio for being one of the few locals who got caught up in the show who didn't manage to embarrass the 305.
Ugh, and then it was time to revisit, yet again, the painfully boring sage of Ronnie and Sammi. Basically Sammi is staggeringly insecure and clingy. Ronnie is too self-centered and unaware to realize this and just makes awkward Gorilla grunts whenever she whines. It is never going to work out. Their relationship is just a long series of annoying girl whimpers and gorilla grunts. All we can really make of it is that we're pretty sure Ronnie is probably the long lost grandson of that half-primate goomba that got lost in the Everglades.
After couple's therapy, the whole crew heads off to B.E.D., which decidedly has not been Miami's hottest club in at least 8 years.
The apparently now let in the kind of girls who will go up to random guys and just flat out offer them threesomes. Unfortunately for them they picked Vinny. He thinks about ("Sometimes when you mix two grenades it makes one hot girl") before ultimately rejecting them ("If you've got a good girl out there, say no to the hoes").
That's when the Situation comes it. How far have you fallen, Mike? There was once a time when Vinny was scooping your leftover, and now you're zooming in on his leftover. And not just any leftover, but seriously probably the two prime examples of grenades we've seen all season?
Keeping thing classy, he heads to a bathroom stall where he got a two tongues special, and hopefully an appointment at the STD clinic.
For a season finale, this episode really did have some of the most boring drama yet. There was some huge dust up over who the "most fake" person in the house is. I don't really get stupid people's obsession with "fake" people. What does it even mean? Who knows.
Snooki ended up crying. Pauly ended up yelling. I don't even think anyone in the house knew what was going on, so we're not going to try and make sense of it.
The next morning they all woke up and everything was fine in the house of guido, but it was unfortunately time to leave.
he first out the door were Ron and Sam, which thank god. We are done with them. Get there boring asses out of here.
Vinny, the only person who we are pretty sure if fully human, was next. He may not be anyone's favorite cast member, but more than anyone he seemed to come off the least trashy and maybe, just maybe found the love of his life. One day maybe we'll get invited to the Vinny and Romona from Romania wedding, where undoubtedly the bride will be about 45 minutes late.
Next JWoww and Snooki got in their Escalade and drove off back towards Jersey. We think we'll miss Snooki most of all.
That left Pauly D and The Situation. We don't mind if Pauly comes back to visit. We're not sure if Rocio will want him to after she see's all the skanks he tried to bed behind her back, but that's another story. As for the Situation, well for a man that came in thinking he was God's gift to the world he really took a tumble this season. He came off as more of a pot-stirring bitch than all of the girls, and ended up having to scoop up the cast-offs of the other guys for disgusting toilet head.
Maybe here we should try and sum this all up with some sort of lesson to take away from the season. Maybe how the Guidos Changed Miami beach a little bit, or how Miami Beach changed them. Ultimately though, trying to find meaning in a show that features a guy getting a double blow job in a club restroom is about as futile as trying to figure out who the "most fake" person is on the show. All that's going to happen is someone's going to argue, Pauly is going to yell, and Snooki is going to wind up crying, and that's probably the last thing we want: Snooki in tears.
Anyway, next week MTV will be airing the reunion special, and we'll be here to break it down for you. Maybe by then we'll have some sort of wisdom to leave you with, but honestly we hope not. That involves a lot of thinking, and maybe if we learned one thing from the guidos, it's thinking is overrated.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you’ll never miss Miami New Times' biggest stories.