Jersey Shore Damage Report: Exit Angelina
Sadly, time is winding down to the Macaroni Rascal's tour of destruction in Miami, but last night the journey ended for Angelina. Yes, the life-sized rat in a mini-dress and bad mascara decided to once again pack up all of the extra Swiss cheese and various shiny things she found around the house and head home. We're almost sad to see her go, as she became the prime catalyst for guido drama this season.
So we start out we were left off last episode, with Angie swiping her rat claw against The Situation's 45-year-old face. The ensuing melee sounded like a bunch of angry grunts and rodent screeches, but we kind of feel bad for the random kid Angie had brought home from the beach. He was just standing there, not knowing what to do. Then again, you go home with a girl like Angelina and agree to be filmed for a reality TV not exactly known for its class you get what you deserve.
He ends up leaving but not before giving his phone number to Angie. Mike thinks it's a fake. He did give her a 305 number, and most cell phones down here are 786 numbers, so who knows. At the very least he probably wasn't giving her the direct line.
We'll get back to Angelina later, as her drama book ends the episode. The rest of the episode kind of relies on well worn Jersey Shore cliches. There's another montage of the guys howling about "T-shirt time," which while kind of amusing, is a bit played by this point.
Snooki, who we love and cherish, continued her hunt for a new man. So she makes a list of what she's looking for. (See, she's always writing down her thoughts. Very literary this one. Can't wait to read her novel.) Of course the criteria describes a man so nightmarish and horrible that we hope he doesn't exist: a gorilla juice-head who acts and dresses like Snooki. The closest person that comes to mind is gym entrepreneur David Barton, but even he's not a perfect match. For the love of all that is holy, we kind of hope Snooki never finds what she's looking for.
The other big event was the return of Mike's potential Canadian smoosh buddy Samantha. God, this girl really, really just wants some Situation all up in her situation. Somewhere, her parents are sitting in their log cabin in Saskatchewan with their pet moose and wondering where they went wrong.
She's so infatuated with Mike she pretty much starts attacking any girl that gets close to him.
"You're a nobody," she screams at one chick. Better to be a nobody than a girl who's random hook up is broadcast on national TV though.
So Mike finally takes her back to the smoosh room, and dear Lord that girl is loud in bed. Her northern mating calls echo through out the house. Unfortunately, the screams probably drowned out the quieter conversation that went on.
"I'm a-boat to finish."
"Hold on baby, hold on on."
"Sarry, I'm kind of soar now. Let's go owwtside the hou-ess for a smoke. Then we'll watch some Degrassi and have some Canadian bacon covered in maple syrup, eh?"
"Canadian bacon? How about a meatball sangwhich?"
See, not all the clueless hook ups the cast is racking up down here are from Miami. Blame Canada.
So, back to Angie. All episode her tiny rat brain was trying to figure out if she should leave or not. Mind you, there's about a week or so left on their Miami vacation.
The dumb thing, outside of the semi-reality of the show, not only would she be leaving the house for a second time, but she'd also be leaving one of the biggest reality TV franchises in America possibly for good. Indeed, she wasn't involved in shooting for the third season. And you know that a girl like Angelina loves the attention and fleeting fame. But that's done now. Mike has already taken the Jersey Shore spot on Dancing with the Star. Despite the cruel taunts of the other cast mates, she's not actually fat and hence not eligible for Celebrity Fit Club. Her drinking doesn't seem to necessitate a check into Celebrity Rehab. What's left for Angie's 15 minutes? Let's just hope she doesn't release a sex tape.
However, this girl's attention whoredom doesn't take into account the long run. She wants attention now. She wants the other castmates to beg her to stay. At one point JWwow even has a "woman-to-woman" chat imploring her to tough it out, but that isn't good enough. So she stages a dramatic exit. After the others leave to go out partying, Angie packs her bags. Unfortunately, when they get back and see her assembled luggage of cheese and rip-off Ed Hardy, they're downright celebratory.
Angie though doesn't leave the house in a whimper. Her final act is her biggest drama stand yet. First she gets into fight with Snooki, which looked exactly how we imagine a tussle between an over-sized rat and a munchkin princess to look. It wasn't so much a fist fight, as it was the girls rolling around on the floor pulling each others hair.
Before she goes she calls everyone fake, and decides to burn all bridges by pissing off Sammi and Ron, who had no major problems with her, to boot.
So off goes Angie into the night, and probably the only person that was sad to see her go was Jose. The man bought her that nice Fossil watch and never got to get it in once.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you’ll never miss Miami New Times' biggest stories.