Jason Taylor What? Excuse Me While I Blow My Brains Out
Apparently, Jason Taylor is on some sort of quest to out-gayify Brady Quinn. Because he just officially announced he’s going to be on Dancing With the Stars. In a related story, I'm officially announcing that my soul has been crushed.
Dolphins defensive end Jason Taylor will be the first active NFL player to compete on the popular ABC program. Two NFL legends have competed in previous seasons: Emmitt Smith won after Jerry Rice finished third. The announcement was made Monday, during ABC's Dance War: Bruno vs. Carrie Ann.
Also competing: actress Marlee Matlin, magician Penn Jillette, figure skater Kristi Yamaguchi, tennis player Monica Seles, R&B singer Mario, comedian Adam Carolla and actor Steve Guttenberg.
My immediate reaction to this news was, “Steve Guttenberg is still alive?” My second reaction to this news was, “What the hell, Jason Taylor?"
Christ. Just when I thought being the most embarrassing franchise in the NFL was relegated to 1-15 and the constant "Why'd you guys trade away Wes Welker?" questions, we manage to suck a little more out of the Shame Pipe with this shit. You realize our days of calling Tom Brady fruity are over, right?
Dancing has got to be the stupidest fucking thing ever invented. I mean, really. What is it? Gyrating your body, flailing your arms, kicking your feet and making stupid faces while shitty music blasts on the radio? Yea, that sounds like a hoot. Add all the sweaty people and the collective ass & pit smells and you can’t pay me to get off the dance floor! Woo! And what’s even more fun than dancing? Watching other people dancing!
God this sucks. I suppose I’m just going to have to deal with it. That’s all. It’s not so bad. I mean, it’s just dancing. It’s not like he’s doing gay porn or anything. And I guess you can say that I have great dance moves myself. Sure, some might say that I look like I’m being chased by a bee. But I call it getting jiggy with it. So it’s all good.
Anyway, my week is totally ruined. And there is no God. -- Chris Joseph
For more on sports from Chris Joseph go to FinsNation.com.
Get the ICYMI: Today's Top Stories Newsletter Our daily newsletter delivers quick clicks to keep you in the know
Catch up on the day's news and stay informed with our daily digest of the most popular news, music, food and arts stories in Miami, delivered to your inbox Monday through Friday.