People magazine has decided that Miami is no more worthy of a celebrity-hunting bureau than Washington, Austin, or Chicago.
I can understand that People readers don't care much about Nancy Pelosi or Oprah or... I can't think of anyone famous in Austin. Lance Armstrong? But MIAMI?
The celebrities will soon see our city as a paparazzi-free haven, a place to frolic topless (or even underwear-less) and vomit on themselves and drop their babies without unseen eyes documenting every move. We will have to watch helplessly as scandalous trysts unfurl and bumps grow unbeknownst to the rest of the country. Colin Farrell will unleash himself upon the underaged with impunity. A Scientology temple and a Kabbalah Center will open next to an orphanage co-owned by Madonna and Angelina Jolie. Who will ensure that the American public is informed when Lindsey Lohan purchases a pregnancy test?
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People spokesperson Sandi Shurgin insists the mag is merely "moving to a newly created news gathering structure," and that "coverage in Miami will definitely continue."
Whatever. I don't even feel like going out anymore. -Emily Witt